Learning

I wanted to jot down some thoughts about what I've learned while being a Foster Parent. I've been licensed for over a year now, and T has been with me almost a year. I've also provided respite care.

Not all children want to be adopted.

Foster kids think we're broken, too. They have fears about foster care, and know that they are considered outcasts. My most recent respite girl told me that when she went into FC that her parents told her that we were all evil and would hurt her. :( yikes.

The kids I've had don't fully understand my situation. Even they question adoption and why I've become a parent the way I have. Not question in a bad way, but they definitely ask questions.

Part of me thinks that T will stay with me longer than we thought... hopefully, into her first semester of college, even. I say this because someone asked her if she was 18 why didn't she leave... and she said... she doesn't have anywhere else to go. And the way she said it kind of broke my heart. I hate it for her that she hasn't had a stable home-life prior to FC. And even in FC she was with another family before me. And I understand why she might not think it all puppies and roses when she thinks of FC. It really is a double-edged sword.

All I can do is try to be the base of that sword and keep her as close to me as possible. Trying to not let her get hurt on those sharp edges if I can help it. Soften the edges, even, if possible.

My basis of understanding is different from T's. (my family might be a bit dysfunctional, but it is still full-well in tact)

Her basis of understanding is different from Lil M's. (her family is definitely dysfunctional, and she struggles to keep it)

Lil M's basis of understanding is also different, and no less complicated. (her family is me and someone she may never, ever know. she didn't get to keep it, dysfunctional or not. and then, of course, she does have our family... )

I set out to change the world... and instead, it sought out and won a change in me. (seems like there might be a famous quote similar to this thought, but it escapes me - might be "I set out to change the world, and instead it changed me".)

I don't know what it all means. But I do know that fostering is important. Adoption is important. And above all FAMILY is important. They both are good in some ways. They are both painful.

I pray that those families that can be healed before foster or adoption need to occur are able to be healed. I pray that even if they can't be healed prior to FC or adoption, that they be healed someday. I do pray for peace for all their broken hearts... there are just too many.

This is National Adoption Month. Please help our children in any way you can... mentoring, fostering, adopting are all beneficial and there is great need for children everywhere to be supported and loved.

Added... when I said I wanted to change the world, I didn't mean that quite as literally as it sounded. But I do believe that we can be the change we want to see in the world. I also know that even though others don't always understand me, nor me them... that I respect many family types and I pray that other peoples' hearts start opening up to that fact, as well. I am so blessed and at peace with where God would have me in this world. It is my heart song that we love the Lord our God, and our neighbors as ourselves.

Peace.

rare form

The girls went home this afternoon, and all got back to normal... except T and I haven't been feeling well. Found some medicine she can take, and I got some for the both of us.

Lil M was in extremely rare form today. First, she got in all kinds of trouble all day. She gave the baby candy, she and the baby were 'bouncing' on the bed... she and the baby sat on top of a table where they weren't allowed.... All while the teen mom was in proximity. So much for that. Then, tonight she got more candy knowing she needed to ask first. Needless to say, I was none too happy and she got in trouble again. :(

Now, you're probably thinking... this is typical behavior for a 4 year old. And, most 4 year olds you'd be right. But, Lil M doesn't usually just completely disregard the rules. She is usually pretty easy to correct. Not this weekend. :( Kind of bums me out, actually... 'cause I'm worried this might be a trend, and kind of worried I've not been paying enough attention to her... at the right times.

I have a feeling she was pretty jealous of the baby this weekend. Which, I guess I wanted to learn because we'll have one in the house come January.

Then, on top of it, she kept asking me about the woman whose tummy she was in. Once, I was so cavalier as to believe that not having answers would be OK and that it wouldn't be too hard to explain. Boy, was I wrong. I try to keep it straight forward and in 4 year old language... but, frankly, I don't know what to say.

The teen asked me a lot of questions this weekend, too. This being adoption month makes me think about how lucky I am to have Lil M. But it also makes me realize even more that other people just don't get it. They don't get adoption. What has felt so completely natural to me, is just not seen that way by others. Why aren't you married? Are you infertile? Why didn't you have one of your own?

I get it from both sides. Lil M wants to know whose tummy she was in, and others want to know what's wrong with me. Yeah. Not.

And me, well, I realize that I need to come up with my own answers.

Peace.

WFMW - Beyond Consequences

There's a great book called "Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control". It talks about there being two states of emotion that under gird everything we do: Love and Fear.

When our children act out in anger, defiance and other negative ways... they are doing so out of FEAR. We need to meet our children where they are at, and parent them through Love. This means that instead of always giving a consequence for a behavior we need to look at WHY the behavior is occurring and see if we can meet our child in their pain.

Look past their behavior and see their fear.

For example, my foster daughter can't handle being yelled at. It immediately sends her into a stressed state that I can see. And, then she starts to get angry, really angry... I haven't yelled at her pretty much the entire time she's been with me, but I did see someone else yell at her and her response wasn't pretty. The thing is, that she was reacting out of fear. What this means is that instead of getting mad at her for reacting like she did, I stayed calm and just walked with her. I stayed beside her and spoke softly and calmly.

If your child is fighting you to go to bed at night, for example... maybe they are afraid of the dark. Did you ask them? Maybe they are afraid you won't be there in the morning. You should reassure them. Maybe where they were before you always had the door closed and that memory alone causes them fear... This is instead of giving them a consequence for not listening to you or yelling at them. Try it to see if maybe there is something ELSE going on instead of just being defiant. You just might be surprised to see that there is.

When our children are in a state of fear, we need to be in a state of calm. The calmer person can help the stressed person calm down. Don't worry about talking during the actual situation... try to diffuse it. Then, LATER once they are calm... ask them about it.

This works for Lil M and I, too. If she gets upset, she won't talk. She freezes. I can see 'that' look in her eye... she's shut down for the moment. So, I do what I can to stay calm (which I am not perfect at) and after a few minutes she will calm down. After an hour or more, sometimes I can get her to tell me what the problem was. It's a work in progress.

But I do know that this works for me. It's much better than always getting riled up and giving consequences. Sometimes Mommy needs to walk away and give herself a time-out. Or sometimes Mommy needs to bring the child CLOSER to her for a time-in.

The most important thing is to parent out of Love.

Also, sometimes, we have our own fears that are brought up by the behaviors of our children. Think about that. Maybe something happened to you when you were a child and now every time they scream in the shower you immediately get mad. Why? We need to deal with our own fears so we can help our children through theirs. I love this book and looking at parenting from that place has been good for me and our family, I think.

Go here to see what works for other families.

Peace.

Yes, She's Mine

I was thinking of changing my China adoption blog title (not this one) to a new one to better describes where we are today vs. where we/I was, say, 4 or 5 years ago. Then, I decided just to update the look of said blog... for now, without giving it a name change.

But then, last night, T (of all people, again) were having a conversation that disturbed me. :(

A little background... I was attempting to date a guy had problems in the past with someone accepting his son as a part of the family. How do you handle blended family issues, if/when they are posed type stuff.

So, T said... of course, Melissa, you wouldn't have a problem with blended families... we're not yours...

What?? Not mine? Who's not mine?

To which, I responded... yes, Lil M is mine. And then she retracted and said, yes she's yours... but I can see she struggles with those ideas. She really believes that family is by blood, for good or bad.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't think that T has a problem with our family. She's trying to make her way just like we are. And she's gone through way, way more than any teenager should have to in their life. So, I do try to take it all with a grain of salt.

But that my foster child thinks that this family is not "real" just because I didn't birth either of them is.... Ouch. I might have to revisit the whole adoption blog name thing... and one thought/suggestion had been to re-name it to "Yes, She's Mine".

The positive is... yes... it is a true statement.

The negative's... well, I'm not trying to negate any birth mom's feelings, or any adoptees' feelings for that matter. Oh, and I don't believe in the whole ownership of children, and this title implies that.

Today, I'm feeling like it is not my responsibility to educate others. And, yet it is, if I want to be an advocate for change. It starts with one person, right? Comments like that hurt. Plain and simple. They hurt those of us who have worked so hard to have our own family... and especially when that family looks different from others.

Peace.

National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month. I am sure the intent was to honor adoption, adoptees, and all members of the triad. But here's the thing. There is no glamor in adoption. Adoption is a necessity because people are well... human. We make decisions every day that affect the children born in this world. For better or worse.

Adoption is a blessing for many and heartbreak for so many others. It is a choice and it isn't. Some families do not "choose" to give up their children willingly. There is corruption in adoption. This makes me angry and sad and disgusted all at the same time.

When you adopt you hope and pray that everything is above board and perfect. You want to believe that you are creating your own family out of love. And, I do, personally, believe that is how most of us go into adoption. I want a family. I either can't or choose not to have a biological child, therefore, I will adopt. The problem is not having the dream. It is ignoring the reality of our children. They didn't "choose" to be here, in this place with us. We chose them, selfishly or ideologically or both. It doesn't matter the source after you adopt.

We MUST respect their feelings and concerns and their reality. We must respect our children.

I believe that I am truly blessed to have Lil M as my daughter. One day, though, she might not feel the same way... or she might want to know more about her birth situation. That is HER story and I will respect what she does or doesn't want to do with it. I also feel a responsibility to our world's children who are orphans or in the foster/adoptive system. I think we need to encourage our Legislators to work for more Therapeutic care for these families, where they can, and work harder towards reunification.

I can't fix the world. And other countries have their own issues and needs. I do believe, though, that if we can find reputable agencies to work with who sponsor children, work towards their growth, possibly family reunification... definitely a change in attitudes toward children put in this type of position... stop making them "invisible"... change attitudes that they have against single women or widowed parents... Help the children stay with their families if at all possible...

Not that I don't THANK GOD every single day for the opportunity I have to raise my daughter. I do. And I believe when Scripture tells us to take care of the Orphans and Widows...

But wouldn't it be a great world if there was no *need* to even have orphans or widows?

World peace. That's what I want. :)

Peace.

Lil M is 2.5 today

My baby is officially 2.5 years old today. :) She can count to 10, loves to sing the ABC's (acd, mommy), and is doing really well on the potty-training. She loves the dogs, and can actually call them by name now! She says bye to all of them in the morning... including the cat. :) Her favorite toy is still her "Meow". But she loves her blocks and to be read to... daily! She still loves the up-down game, pattacake, and peek-a-boo. :)

So, since she is 30 months old... and was adopted 9.5 months old, came to the USA at 10 months old. :) So, She's been with me for over 20 months now! YEAH!!!

She's the light of my life for sure.

Peace.

If you aren't married, you aren't good enough

Apparently, here in the State of KY, if you aren't married (but choose to live with the love of your life), they want to make a law to keep you from adopting or fostering a child.

Create a new section of KRS Chapter 199 to prohibit the approval of foster care, relative caregiver services, or adoption of a child by an applicant who is cohabiting with a sexual partner outside of a marriage that is legally valid in Kentucky; create the short title "The Child Welfare Adoption Act"; exempt children placed for adoption prior to the effective date of this Act; amend KRS 199.470 to conform.

It in my opinion is beyond reprehensible. How they can create a law to HURT children, by taking away viable homes is beyond me. Yes, there always needs to be criteria to make sure the children are safe. But this is ridiculous.

And very close to saying all singles can't adopt or foster.

For shame KY.

If you want to send a letter Here is the link to the Senators of KY:

http://www.lrc.ky.gov/whoswho/county.htm

http://eqfed.org/campaign/family


Peace.

Article

About Single Mother Adoption

The Role of the Single Mother in Adoption of Children from the Child Welfare System

By Penelope L. Maza, PhD, U.S. Children's Bureau

From the Child Welfare League of America

Until recently, national information on the adoption of children by single women from the public child welfare system was unavailable. The Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System (AFCARS), established by law and administered by the U.S. Children's Bureau, is now providing this information. As the information presented here indicates, single women are a critical component in achieving permanency for children in the child welfare system, and they play a particularly important role in the adoption of African American non-Hispanic children.

Close to one-third (31%) of the estimated 36,000 children adopted from the public child welfare system in fiscal year 1998 were adopted by single women. Almost two-thirds (66%) of single women, more than two-thirds (70%) of the children they adopted, were African American non-Hispanic. Almost two-thirds (65%) of the single women had been the child's foster parent, and more than one in five (21%) were related to the child. In more than three-fourths (77%) of these adoptions, the child was of the same race or ethnicity as the single adoptive mother.

When compared with adoptive married couples, single adoptive women are more than twice as likely as married couples to be African American and non-Hispanic (70% vs. 31%) and are somewhat more likely to adopt children of their own race or ethnicity (84% vs. 71%). In addition, single female adoptive parents are about as likely as married couples to have been the child's foster parent (65% vs. 63%), more likely to have been the child's relative (21% vs. 13%), and less likely to not have had a prior relationship with the adoptive child (14% vs. 24%). Overall, the children whom single women adopt are older than the children whom married couples adopt. The average age of the children adopted by single women is 7.2 years; the average age of children adopted by married couples is 6.3 years. In addition, the time from termination of parental rights to adoption for children adopted by single women is slightly longer than for children adopted by married couples (17 months vs. 15 months).

It has generally been assumed that children adopted by single women may be the children for whom it is most difficult to find adoptive homes. AFCARS provides information on the primary special needs for children adopted. Based on this information, single women are somewhat more likely than married couples to adopt a child whose primary special need is race or ethnicity (18% vs.12%), or a child whose primary special need is age (43% vs. 27%). In contrast, single adopting women are less likely than married couples to adopt a child whose primary special need is having a medical condition or a mental, physical, or emotional disability (14% vs. 22%), or whose primary special need is being a member of a sibling group (14% vs. 22%).

In conclusion, the significant role played by single women who adopt children from the child welfare system in providing permanency for a substantial proportion of the children waiting to be adopted cannot be underestimated. Although they are less likely than married couples to adopt sibling groups or children with disabilities, they are more likely to adopt minority children and older children. At the end of FY 1998, the average age of waiting children was 8, and 53% of the waiting children were African American non-Hispanic. For these children, and for waiting children in general, single adopting women will continue to play a critical role in helping them achieve permanency.

All you need is love...

Isn't that a song? All you need is love.... well, some folks in the adoption world believe that all you do need is love to build a family. And while I believe that love is extremely necessary, I also believe that other things are necessary, as well.

Respect - respecting your child's origins (birth country, biological family, race, heritage...etc) is very important. We can't belittle any of it. And, frankly, I wouldn't want to. Yes, my daughter is an American. But she's also Chinese. So, with that comes some responsibility on my part to figure out how to help her love and respect both aspects of her life. The same goes with her bio family. There are biological lines/ties there that are inherently a part of her. I respect that. I do not know her beginnings. That deeply saddens me. And I mourn her loss as well as that of her bio family. But I also know that she and I are building a family, and that I get to help build another part of her familial line...

Willingness - a willingness to learn and be open to your child's pain, hurt, questions, fears, successes, differences, beliefs. It is my responsibility to my daughter to be open to what our lives bring...and especially to help her learn to become her own person and traverse all the feelings, joys, pressures, hurts along the way. I do believe this will include her adoption story.

Education - I believe that we, as adoptive parents, are responsible to be as informed and educated as we can regarding adoption, transracial adoption and identity, and our children's birth country. I'm never going to know as much as I could know... but it is my responsibility to TRY.

Focus - we need to focus on our own children. That has meant that I've taken almost a year for Mia and I to spend mostly together... and will continue to do what it takes to make sure she knows she is my number 1 priority and that she can trust/count on me. I do not think this is adoption specific.

And, of course, then there is love. Love is very key. Without it, the other things are just an empty shell. I'm sure there are other things, but these are what came to mind to me today.

Peace.

Adoption stories

If you are ever like me, you'll be tempted to go out and looks up adult adoptee stories on the web. All I can say is... don't.do.it. Man, can that be depressing. Every time I do, I get overly worried that Mia is some day going to hate me. :( I mean, if she does... she does. I can't do anything about that now, except to try to be the best Mom I can be, regardless...

There are so many sad stories out there. I wish I could find some more positive ones... with older adoptees. I know there are some bad reasons why people were taken from their first families... birth families... "natural" (i don't like that term so much...makes me feel like I'm somehow un-natural...?)

I digress.

I know that there have been instances where adoptees are taken from their first mothers and sold. Where the bio-mother is wanting to mother their own child, but because of society she can't... due to being a single woman (of all things). Where people guilt, cajole, put down... bio moms until they sign the papers. Then there are those that made an 'adoption plan'. And still others who can't have more than one and are forced/cajoled/feared into abandoning their babies.

This is all a big issue. And the issue is how are our children going to grow up and feel whole and not scarred because of it. I don't have the answers. Just more qustions.

I thank God every day that I am a SINGLE mother able to adopt a child. Whether or not I'm looked down upon is other people's issue. I have no control over how others feel. Just how I do.

Peace.