WFMW - Beyond Consequences

There's a great book called "Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control". It talks about there being two states of emotion that under gird everything we do: Love and Fear.

When our children act out in anger, defiance and other negative ways... they are doing so out of FEAR. We need to meet our children where they are at, and parent them through Love. This means that instead of always giving a consequence for a behavior we need to look at WHY the behavior is occurring and see if we can meet our child in their pain.

Look past their behavior and see their fear.

For example, my foster daughter can't handle being yelled at. It immediately sends her into a stressed state that I can see. And, then she starts to get angry, really angry... I haven't yelled at her pretty much the entire time she's been with me, but I did see someone else yell at her and her response wasn't pretty. The thing is, that she was reacting out of fear. What this means is that instead of getting mad at her for reacting like she did, I stayed calm and just walked with her. I stayed beside her and spoke softly and calmly.

If your child is fighting you to go to bed at night, for example... maybe they are afraid of the dark. Did you ask them? Maybe they are afraid you won't be there in the morning. You should reassure them. Maybe where they were before you always had the door closed and that memory alone causes them fear... This is instead of giving them a consequence for not listening to you or yelling at them. Try it to see if maybe there is something ELSE going on instead of just being defiant. You just might be surprised to see that there is.

When our children are in a state of fear, we need to be in a state of calm. The calmer person can help the stressed person calm down. Don't worry about talking during the actual situation... try to diffuse it. Then, LATER once they are calm... ask them about it.

This works for Lil M and I, too. If she gets upset, she won't talk. She freezes. I can see 'that' look in her eye... she's shut down for the moment. So, I do what I can to stay calm (which I am not perfect at) and after a few minutes she will calm down. After an hour or more, sometimes I can get her to tell me what the problem was. It's a work in progress.

But I do know that this works for me. It's much better than always getting riled up and giving consequences. Sometimes Mommy needs to walk away and give herself a time-out. Or sometimes Mommy needs to bring the child CLOSER to her for a time-in.

The most important thing is to parent out of Love.

Also, sometimes, we have our own fears that are brought up by the behaviors of our children. Think about that. Maybe something happened to you when you were a child and now every time they scream in the shower you immediately get mad. Why? We need to deal with our own fears so we can help our children through theirs. I love this book and looking at parenting from that place has been good for me and our family, I think.

Go here to see what works for other families.

Peace.

Figuring it out...

Today, T came to me and said... what are you going to do with Lil M when I go into labor? I said... we will figure something out. I'll call my dear friends E or MK or Sis... she's like... well, you've GOT to be there!

... ah, a good moment. :) I pray that continues. I want her to want me to be there. I want to be there, too.

So, I said, of course I'll be there... we will figure it out! :)

Yesterday, she realized we'll need two car seats... and won't be able to have anyone else really ride in the car. I hope these types of conversations really means she wants to stay after the baby comes. I pray she finishes high school and goes on to college.

She and her BF had a somewhat rough time yesterday...and so she didn't call him today. I told her I was proud of her for that (I think it was a responsible reaction to his behavior). She also didn't want to go to her home visit this weekend... We got a little shopping done yesterday and only went to the grocery for a few things today. We were going to dinner with our friends tonight, but when I walked in the door a migraine came on extremely fast. That sucked. So, we stayed in...

Lil M has been very lovey this weekend... I can't believe she'll be 4 next month!! Gotta figure out what to do for her birthday. The only birthday we've celebrated this summer was my own (and Sis', of course)... gotta get everyone else settled. :) It's been a bit of a strange summer for our little family....

But, we're figuring it out... so far. Still praying for us all. :D And by that, I'm including my friends/family who also are having difficulties with health, jobs and family issues... Please, Lord, Please...

Peace.

Kitchen and Camp

My new kitchen love is my electronic Pressure Cooker. I've cooked in it 3 times now, and I love it. I've made

red beans and rice - turned out perfect
a whole chicken 3.3 lbs and it turned out great too
curried chickpeas and potatoes with basmati rice and green peas

I'm really liking this new toy. It's electronic, and it cooks super speedy. I think this will help me get some more good, healthy meals on the table this summer... unlike the slow cooker counterpart, the pressure cooker can cook a whole meal in a jif and i don't have to have it all planned out in the morning. :D

The red beans were kidney beans that had NOT been soaked. They were perfect in 40 minutes. The chickpeas were partly soaked and were perfect in about 25 minutes. I love my beans...what I did like just as well, though, was the chicken! It was cooked in 36 minutes (was just a tiny bit of ice still on it, but 99% defrosted). Apparently, you can cook frozen chicken breasts (not a whole frozen chicken) in it... which, I'm going to have to try. I have some other Indian dishes I'm anxious to make now, too. Oh, and hummus. :)

Better yet, it keeps the kitchen cool.

I got Sis turned onto it, too. :D I have a feeling this is going to be a very well used kitchen gadget in my kitchen from now on...I hope so, anyway.

In other news, T and Lil M and I went walking around the mall today. Got T some shoes for school and a couple of rings for her piercings... we also got her a band (not a bella band, but something similar) to go around her belly so she can still wear her pants for awhile longer. I'm a bit hesitant to buy too many shorts, since she'll be biggest when it's colder out.

Last, but not least, here are a couple of pics from basketball camp.




Peace.

13th week

T had her 2nd doctor appt this morning, with the Nurse Midwife... she is 13 weeks and 4 days along today. We listened to the little heartbeat that went 170 bpm. T is O positive. We need to find out what Scrunch is...

T seems excited some days. She doesn't seem as stressed as I think she should be, lol. She and Scrunch hope the baby is a boy. I keep telling her it could be a girl. We'll find out in about 8 more weeks.

I asked her today how she was going to deal with the baby screaming. She said that it might bother her when she has to get up in the morning. I asked her if she wanted me to help her, and she said she doesn't expect me to get up in the middle of the night with the baby. We shall see.

My prayer is that she stays with me until she graduates next June. The baby is due in January. It's going to be somewhat rough, I'm afraid... but I pray she finishes school and goes onto college like we've talked about. I'm trying to work on those seeds...

It's been nice having Chase here this week. He's doing well, so far. I can't believe it is Wednesday already!!! He was so excited to go to the library last night. We might go again tomorrow. I'd like to do something for his missed birthday... haven't figured out what yet.

Peace.

Stuff

Things here have been fairly uneventful this past week... T has been good, and we're getting along well right now. Lil M is great and she's slept with me a couple of nights this week... Nephew is here for the week to go to basketball camp and he seems excited.

Let's see... I put a twin bed in Lil M's room so they could share a room this week. I got my room cleaned up (i'm notorious for putting my clothes ON the dresser and not hanging them up, so they are all hung up and put away!)... all beds changed and made. T helped by cleaning the bathroom, Eisenswine's bed and vacuuming... we all pitched in on laundry (well, not nephew, he wasn't here yet).

I made turkey burgers and turkey hotdogs on the grill the night before last and that's what we had for dinner last night, too. Tonight is Lil M's dance class, so we'll wing it. Maybe leftover spaghetti. I need to get the chicken cooked... maybe after dance class, even if it is for tomorrow.

T has a Dr. appt this week. Then we'll see how often she actually needs to go. That morning will be interesting... early. egad. But it's got to be done.

My friend Ellen is doing better and I hope that continues. My other friend MK had a birthday on Friday... so, we need to celebrate with her this week!!

Peace.

4th of July and Dance class

We had a very nice 4th of July weekend (except for the part that my friend was in the hospital), and I hope that you did, too. My friend Ellen is out of the hospital now, thank God. And I pray that she continues to feel better. I'm praying for you Ellen and the decision you might need to make.

On Saturday evening, while T was at her BF's house, Lil M and I went to a neighboring town to walk around and see their fireworks. They were running a little late, so we didn't really stay for the show, but we did have strawberry "ice cream" (really crushed ice slushy thing where you put the syrup on yourself, and we did have strawberry, but Lil M called it ice cream). She and I really enjoyed that part. :) And our time together...

Sunday, T had a family visit, which she chose to cut a little short. Meanwhile, I went and picked up her friend Jessica who was spending the night with us over the 4th. She is also a foster and it gave her FM a night of respite. :) After that, we all just hung out for a bit and then got ourselves ready for the big fireworks.

T got ALL dressed up in red, white and blue. She wore a red shirt, jean shorts and white shoes... with blue and red beads and blue and white ribbons in her hair. Even glittered her face... and Lil M's and Jessica's. :) Lil M had red shorts on with a white shirt and i had a red shirt and jean shorts... Jessica also wore a red shirt. T wore her hair in pigtails! Lil M and I just wore ours up normal.

We went to see the local outdoor symphony play... and they had some 'family fun time' scheduled before the concert and fireworks. Lil M and T got their faces painted... along with my nephew!! They painted a 'fireworks' on their faces and Lil M and C also got a flag. We did temporary tattoos, coloring, making instruments... even Sis and I got temporary tattoos.

At the concert were other friends of mine/ours, too... the MK's and their family came... we also saw Carol and her daughter, too!! I had a great time. :)

We listened to the concert, which was nice. But it was very, very hot out...so we had lots of water and pop to drink...and snacks. Once the sun went down it was much better! After the concert, they did a fireworks show...that was AMAZING. It was right over us and the fireworks were so close they were enormous!!! Best fireworks I've seen in years! So, it made all the heat worth it. :)

Lil M loved the fireworks. She did cover MY ears, though, when it got loud... She doesn't really like loud stuff like that, but she's protective of Mommy... she did really great. :)

Monday, we did a TON of laundry and cleaning to get caught up. Then, we went to Lil M's first-ever dance class. This class has ballet, tumbling and tap dancing. It is a 4-5 YO class, and yes i know she is 3. But she turns 4 next month (wow!)... and they said she could do this one. She's in it with her friend MK2. They both did so well and are certifiably CUTE! MK2 has had dance class before, and was just rocking it! (well, except when she was bummed she didn't have her tap shoes yet) I love how bold and body-assured she is, and she's really good at it, too! I'm hoping Lil M learns some of that. :)

We lucked out that we were able to get some used ballet shoes for free... and the tap shoes from MK. MK wasn't so lucky in finding tap shoes for MK2... but she will. :)

So, again, other than the hospital scare (and, man, did i pray!!!) ... the weekend was a success. I loved spending the time with my family, friends and the girls.

Peace.

Calmer

For the past week or so, the home-front has been fairly calm. Thank God. Work, however, has been stressful... and so, I've been focusing on that. We had a fairly quiet weekend in anticipation of my nephew coming to stay for this week. Then his father did a crappy thing and kept him when he wasn't supposed to have him in the first place. So, nephew doesn't get to go to football camp. :(

T went to her first Dr appt on the 14th and she was fine. She is due somewhere around Jan 17 or 19th. I think she was glad I went with her to her appt... and I hope that she continues to want me there. Frankly, if it were me... I wouldn't want to go alone. She does have BF, but he won't be at all of the appts... After saying for a couple of weeks she wanted to leave as soon as she turns 18, she has calmed down and seems more like her normal self... she even asked to move Lil M's baby bed into her room, so I let her. I think it gave her a little sense of control.

Lil M is doing well... she's been a little more moody the past couple of weeks, but I don't know if that's typical toddler-ish stuff, or a little leftover from my trip. Either way, she's mostly excellent, as usual. :D

We all went grocery shopping tonight. They are both big helpers when we do that. We went to breakfast on Sunday morning and then did a little shopping that day, too. Oh, and I set up my sewing 'area' in the living room. Kind of a nice feeling to have that set up again. :)

Still praying about/for work. Mine and everyone else's. Definitely a stressful time.

Peace.

family day!!!

Happy, Happy, Happy 3 year family day anniversary to me and my Lil M (technically, it is the 19th now..)



Yeah!!!


Peace.

Update

Things here are going ok, but it's been a pretty stressful week. Lil M and I are doing well. She's glad Mommy's home. T is even doing a bit better... though, it didn't appear that way when I first picked her up from respite. Praying things continue in a good way there.

I've had laryngitis most of the week, along with a cough. So, today I'm going to the Dr to see if she thinks it warrants antibiotics or not.

Things at work feel shaky and I'm hoping that also starts to get better soon.

Prayers welcome... :)

Peace.

back to it

Back to work today, and the real world! I don't think Lil M took a nap today, as she was clingy and kind of cranky tonight... but we got through it. She's sleeping in my bed again tonight. I'm ok with that, since I was gone for a week. That's got to feel really long to a 3 year old, don't ya think?

We got to have dinner with our very good friends the MK's... and that was nice!! I actually almost felt like myself afterward. I'm going to try to get some rest tonight. Please pray I do.

I talked to the foster mom who has T right now... and asked her for one more day. She was OK with that. She is apparently having trouble with her teen, too. We're going through eerily (sans pregnancy) the same issues. Sadly, that is comforting to me!! (sorry Toni! lol) I send the agency a note today and asked what the options are for teens during the day. Obviously, not many. :( So, when she gets back, she's looking for a job. If she can't find one... then, I guess I'll have to make a decision. I think what really disturbed me was the fact that two boys showed up yesterday with no phone call or anything... that means (to me) that she's had boys over when I'm not here... or they would know better.

Anyway, the day was fairly long... but OK. Glad to be winding down now. :)

Peace.

home

I had a long, but good week away at a conference this past week, as y'all know. I didn't have a whole lot of time to soul-search, so I'm still feeling quite stressed, overwhelmed about the T situation. Right before I left, all she seemed to want to do was get herself in trouble.

Today, I got the sweetest email from a fellow SMBC and friend. The nicest part for me was that she wasn't judgmental because I'm feeling like giving up. She said she'd pray for me and the situation. And that she tells her own daughter that when something is hard they can still do it.

I'll admit, this has become hard for me. I'm not an "experienced parent of a teenager". I'm not a pro. I'm not sure I'm even good at this. I just wanted to parent - to expand my family...which doesn't feel like it's really happened here. I can give stability and that's about all at this moment. I'm having a hard time being encouraging or even think encouraging thoughts right now. It is unfortunate, yes. But the thing is, no one else is walking in my shoes. And I don't feel like I have a huge amount of support I need.

Yes, my friends and family are amazing. They are encouraging and have my back. But none of us has done this before. And I *know* logically the reasons (possibly) behind some of T's actions... but then that sticky thing called emotion gets in the way. And I haven't been dealing with it all as well as I should be able to. I'm not perfect. I'm not a saint. I'm not a god. I'm just an ordinary human being who was/is trying to help in some way. And it is hard. Maybe too hard?

Part of my issue is that I feel like I have stress coming from all sides... work and home. And, when I started all this, I only had home stress... not work stress, too. And I desperately need my job and to keep a roof over our heads. Work is hard right now. It just is. So, if I can't get this emotional crap under control... I might need to take a break. But then I read C's email. And she said that she tells her daughter that they can do 'hard'... and that I'm an inspiration (which makes me want to cry, because I don't feel very inspirational at all).

What I do feel like is that people thought I was crazy for starting this foster stuff. And now that I"m having a tough time, they act like it is just easy-peazy... that I should just be able to walk right through it with no difficulty. I can hear their disappointment. Well, it wasn't easy to start and it isn't easy to be in it either. (for the record, I asked for a younger child...)

Just now, two boys showed up unannounced at the door asking for T. Which sort of makes me angry... because, that means they probably come over when I'm not here (which is like rule number 1 at my house - no one in the house when I'm gone). Oh well. She's a teen, right? I should have expected all this, right? I shouldn't let it get to me, right? Well, I'm a human being... and feeling like a failure. Right or wrong, that's how I feel. Her actions don't reflect on me, because she wasn't with me for the first 17 years.

But the problem is that she rejects me daily. I'm having a hard time separating her behaviors and what they stem from (in her past), and her rejection of me and our little family. She doesn't want to be here. I know that. And logically, I understand. This is a vent... and I'm trying to work through the feelings part. They've taken over. It's just much easier when I can be logical about all of it and not let the feelings get in the way. The problem is... then I'd be a robot.

As I've mentioned before... before you judge me for my feelings, perhaps you should try to walk in my shoes. Otherwise, could you please send up a prayer and send me some good vibes... maybe I'll be able to get through this. If not... well, I tried.

On top of it, I was gone for a week. I had a lot of emotions dealing with that. All is well with Lil M. It is good to be home and we seem to be OK (except she's not been giving me as much eye contact, but she does seem to want to be with me a lot, which is good). The conference was amazing. I learned a little and got to generally be my techie self... which is what I need to find more of - myself. That was a good lesson this week. I need to figure out how to balance things better when it comes to being Lil M's Mommy... T's foster-mom, and my own self - a Woman with a career and life of my own... Some things I can do are ... get a sitter once every couple of weeks and have some "me" time. Use the respite care for T, that's what it's designed for (I hadn't because I wanted to use some days for this long week away)... start taking classes again or study for a certification. Oh, and run.

I am used to having a lot of goals, and lately I feel like I'm just sitting behind the 8 ball. I feel like I have no control. So, I think I need to sit down and make a list of more goals for myself. And myself alone. Take back some control and not just be 'reactive'. I think this is all more important now more than ever... especially since I've been so stressed. Control what I can, let the rest go, right?

Maybe I'll try to write some goals down tonight.

Peace.

first trip

I leave for my first business trip away from home this weekend, since being home with Lil M 3 years ago. Tonight is my last night with her for a few days. This is killing me. Wow. :( Now, she will be in the next best hands... my Sis. I have absolutely no worries there. I'm sure they'll have fun. But, I don't like being away from her. Let's see how this goes.

On the other hand... it'll be good to get away from the other stressors ... too many to name.

I'm mostly packed, and will double-check everything in the morning. T is going to respite care and so Sis won't have to worry about her for a few days. Though, she might get her early next week, we'll see. Personally, I think it would be best if only Lil M stays with Sis this time around...

T has said more than once lately she's leaving when she's 18. Right this moment, feeling as stressed as I am... I feel like that might just work out ok (for me, selfishly)... but I have no idea how she'll make it through everything if she does. So, feel free to send up prayers for my sanity, clear judgment, and T and her decisions.

Mostly... I need some prayers for this week and for Lil M and I. I love that girl with all my heart, and can't stand to be away. I hope she has fun, but misses me, too.

Peace.

keeping on

Still having a bit of a tough time around here. T got suspended for the last day of school and has pierced her eyebrow. I told her to take it out and she refused. She is currently grounded. And I'm frustrated.

On a positive note, Lil M is doing well. She and I went to see a movie the other day, by ourselves, which was nice. I took Tuesday off so that we could spend the day together, but now T is not in school. I don't know what we'll do now. Probably stay home, since T is pretty well locked down right now (not allowed to go anywhere or see BF for at least 2 weeks). She'll be that way for awhile, especially since she refuses to take out her new piercing. Which is just irritating because a) she did it herself and could get an infection... affecting the baby, since she is also pregnant and b) she did it after i told her she shouldn't since she's supposed to get a job.

Speaking of her getting a job, i have no idea how that's going to work now. But, if she doesn't find something, she'll have to go somewhere else. She can't stay here all day by herself every day for 3 months. I won't allow it.

Anyway, I'm just trying to go ahead and get some things done around here and spend quality time with Lil M (since T won't come out of her room... her choice, not mine).

I don't see this getting better for awhile, if at all. I'm guessing she is feeling overwhelmed from the pregnancy, though, she won't admit it. I do not feel like I'm helping or doing anything positive right now, either. Frankly, I'm disappointed and need some time to process, I guess. I started this process to try to build a relationship with a child... then I accepted a teen... and hoped that would still happen. Right now, it doesn't feel like it is. I'm trying to contend with 17 years of history that I know nothing about, and clearly can't fix. So, prayers are welcome...

Peace.

interesting

We went to T's choral concert last weekend. There, I met a family who had clearly adopted from China. 4 children, and one on the way from the Ukraine. What was interesting was that the Mom looked at me and said "is she adopted", referring, obviously, to Lil M. well... yes, she was adopted (as an adoptive parent herself, I was surprised she said it that way, but whatever).

She said... Where's she from? Guatemala??

Uh. No. She's Chinese. (me thinking... duh, can't you tell?! lol)

Really?? She doesn't look Chinese!

Well... she is. To which I decided to tell her about where Lil M was from... and could see the woman zone out. If I had 4 kids sitting with me, I'd probably zone out, too.

You see, Lil M doesn't have the traditional Han features. Which is totally ok, 'cause she's beautiful just the way she is. The thing I wonder, though, ...is where do people really think she's from? Most people don't come right out and ask.

Then the dad came to sit down, and he must have told me and Lil M how beautiful she was about 15 times. It was all very interesting...

Peace.

Better

I had a rough few days there, trying to come to terms with my foster daughter's new situation. But this week has felt better. We'll get through it all. I'm thankful for all the encouragement that I've received from my friends and family.

Sis and I have our birthdays tomorrow. Looks like we won't be spending it together this year, as she's taking nephew to the movies. I'm going with T and Lil M to dinner with some friends. It's sort of sad we won't be having dinner together. But I think dinner will be nice. Glad I double-checked the reservation today, 'cause they had it down for the wrong day.

Big giant piece of cheesecake here I come. :)

Peace.

PS. we did get to spend our birthday together and had a GREAT time!! there were 15 of us at dinner and most everything went well. it rained cats and dogs on the way over... but we all made it and had that big giant piece of cheesecake at the end!

Some days

Some days I just wonder what the hell to do with everything. This past week when T's anger got the best of her, we had to deal with all that. Now... well, she and the boyfriend might have gotten themselves into a situation that isn't really good for either of them right now.

So, I'm having a little poor pity me talk in my own head. Knowing full well that I need to just get over it and help her move forward with all this the best way possible. And to be as supportive as I can.

Days like today being a foster parent are really tough... emotionally. I can't change the decisions she makes and I can't seem to help her make better ones (that's how I feel today)... and I'm going to be honest, some moments I feel like why am I doing this? (i didn't sign up for this, i wanted to foster-to-adopt, remember?) Why not just give up... but then I realize that she needs someone to help her through, even if I don't agree or understand why she's making the decisions she's making.

They say being brave isn't doing something without fear... it is moving forward in spite of it. So, move forward I shall try.

I'm sure this will all work out and be OK, and most of it is only indirectly really affecting me (so far). I just need to process it all.

Then, on top of it... my Kaz option doesn't seem to be a real option now.

Peace.

Just because

...it's Mother's day doesn't mean you stop doing Mom duties. Yesterday was Mother's day and we went to church first. That was nice. Then we went to see Aiyee Mimi, and went to have Indian food for lunch. Her treat. YUM. :) Then we treated ourselves to Starbucks, just Sis and I, not the kids. They went with us, but no treats for them there. After that, we took Grandma Janice some flowers and Granny Gail some flowers. It was all good.

Unfortunately, after that... someone had a bit of a meltdown.

As Sis and I were talking inside (her house), Nephew and Lil M were bugging T. So, T yelled at them to stop. Which made us both run outside to see what was going on. T yelled at Sis. Sis yelled at T. T punched my car window (at least twice), and then walked off. All Sis wanted was T to tell her what was wrong so we could fix it, and instead got yelled at disrespectfully. So, I followed T, and got her calmed down a bit.

After that, apologies all around. We are family, even if temporary, and respect must be shown. Then Sis got T some ice for her hand.

On the way home we realized that T might have done more damage than we first thought to her hand. So we went to Urgent Care, where they put a temporary cast on it. She broke her 5th knuckle on her right hand. She goes to an Ortho Dr this week for a perm cast. Oh boy.

I'm going to back up for a sec. On Saturday this weekend I had a mandatory foster class regarding de-escalation and how to handle someone who might come at you (and how to re-direct them in a protective kind of way). Now, these classes are important because they help us to know when a situation might get out of hand and how we might be able to handle it. Calming the situation down is essential. Yesterday, T did not come at one of us, but she did get upset and cause herself harm by hitting the window... and, for me, my objective was to de-escalate the situation as quickly as possible, for all our sakes. I was able to do that, so that part was good.

Now, the bigger thought for the day is... foster kids are different in some ways. We don't always know their entire stories. I don't know all of hers. And, so even though they may exhibit behaviors we'd rather not see in our own children, they are coming from a different place and sometimes that place is extremely sad/lonely/depressing/difficult - to the Nth degree. What we have seen or experienced in our lives as negative or hurtful is 10 times worse where they came from, because there are some just-plain-awful people out there who abuse their children. Yes, abuse. And when they come to us, they are fragile in ways we just don't think they appear... and one little thing can send them over the top all the while seeming completely ridiculous to us.

Yelling means you're just on the first rung of normal chain of events for them. They expect that the yelling is going to turn into hitting or punching or pushing them out the door. Leaving them. Giving them up. Not loving them. Everyone gives up on them. And so, something that we take for granted... yelling at our own kids when they make a mistake (when, we shouldn't then even, probably, but hey... we're all human) means something entirely different to a foster child. Even if they are a teenager. Even if they are going through their own hormonal stuff. Especially because of those things.

It is very difficult to remain calm when it seems like something happens that is so 'normal' that it could (and might even be) typical teenage behavior. Actually, it is damn hard. But remembering it is ALL couched in fears, denials, abuse, neglect, hatred (of themselves, from others, to others, all of the above) and failure can help to keep perspective when something happens that makes you want to react.

My thought is that her behavior rapidly escalated this weekend due to it being Mother's day and all her feelings around her own situation. I can't expect her to be 'grateful' to be at my home when all she wants is to be with her 'real' family. She is 17. She has a family. They may be broken in ways... but it's still her family. And, for better or worse, all I can do is to try to help her in this spot in her life. Though, it did disappoint me that she didn't even wish me a happy Mother's day.

I've taken myself off the list to have more than one foster child at this time. One is enough right now. She needs more than I know how to give some days... adding another would just make that even more difficult, IMO. And, then there's Lil M. So between the two... I've got my hands full.

Back to T. Her previous foster parents stopped placement when she punched their dash in their car. Somehow, I am wondering if she thinks that's what I'm going to do - send her back, though we haven't talked about it. But I'm not. I wasn't happy that she punched anything, but she didn't go after anyone (if she did, that'd be different). She did walk away. So, this is just something we're going to have to work through. Prayers are welcome.

Peace.

pretty in pink

I received these gorgeous and yummy strawberries today from my friend... they were for a foster care article I was interviewed for last week (that I was nervous about but it went alright), plus Mom's day. YUM. So thoughtful.

So, speaking of the article, apparently my agency's received a couple of referrals from it already. Which is just amazing to me. :)

Lil M had her program last night and here are a couple of pics... She and her friend MK2 got to play twins because they were supposed to wear pink, yellow or white "plain" t-shirts... They are so adorable together.



Here they are contemplating the hopscotch... with their leaf-switches, that they also "swept" the sidewalk with. LOL

And, finally, here's a teeny video of the program. :) I didn't cry this year, but I imagine when she 'graduates' from DC next year, I probably will. lol.



Peace.

Glad it is Friday

My little one has a year-end program today at school and that's going to be neat to see. It'll be her first... and they are singing 3 songs as a class.

I've been working my butt off at work this week trying to get some test cases uploaded and will hopefully get to start testing on Monday. It's sort of been mind-numbing and a bit frustrating. But it'll be fine.

T got herself a detention at school, and then proceeded not to go to it. She'll likely get more added to it. Why do kids do that?

Thank goodness it is Friday! The weekend is almost here. :) Though, I do have a mandatory class tomorrow for my agency.

Peace.

some days

I will confess that I'm a realist. I'm also a hopeful person. Positive, yes, but not an eternal optimist. These past few days at home have been kind of tough for me. After T didn't go with us to the funeral on thursday, she has pretty much stayed in her room and only talked to me when necessary. I did get upset with her Thurs for being late, and we had a long talk. But, either there is something else going on, or she's just upset with me. And, frankly, I just don't feel like pushing it right now. At the same time, I feel like a failure (the past few times i've asked what's wrong she says nothing or says it isn't about me... right). So, she's been here, but not here. AT ALL. I'm discouraged. I know this stuff happens, and it is likely going to be fine in a day or two. But today, I'm feeling stressed about it.

I said the things before about being a realist. I can't make someone want to be here or care. All I can do for her is to try to be here and keep moving forward. Most days it is no problem, and I feel like we're doing pretty well. Today, I feel like my contributions in this area (of fostering) are extremely limited. And do not know what I will do moving forward in this area.

Then that makes me question having a 2nd child. Which isn't in the near future at this point, anyway, with moving (someday) and/or figuring out if I'll need to put Lil M in private school next year. So, there you have it. I'm having sort of a pity-me day. Oh well... this too shall pass!!

I thank the Lord God for all the blessings in my/our life(lives).

Peace.

cold and rainy

There's your weather report for here... it is cold and rainy. I'm sitting in my new office at work, and wishing I was sitting on the couch under a blanket with a cup of tea about right now. lol

Things are OK here, but have been stressful for the past few weeks. My getting a new office meant others were hurt and I don't like that part. I do like the new digs and am hoping things move forward for me.

On the home front, things are pretty well the same as they've been. We've been to the park a couple of times recently, and that's been nice. T did alright on her ACT, but not high enough... so will need to re-take it. Lil M has transitioned into her new room at daycare pretty well, even though I don't always like the new behaviors that have come from that. We had a stressful couple of weeks there, or I did, anyway... I don't like her changing rooms all the time and having to keep getting used a new teacher and new ways. But it is working out.

So back to the work thing. I got a title change and 3 direct reports. It wasn't exactly a level change, except the direct reports, just more added to my title. But I did get the office. I pray that in the next few months that it all becomes more solidified and that I can prove that I am the right person to help lead here. I also lift up a prayer for those who have been affected negatively through all the change.

Peace.

Weekend stuff

We got some housework done today, plus, I cleaned the car out! Not only did I clean it out (ok, except the trunk), I vacuumed it and got it wiped out. It looks good!! I need to get it washed and clean the trunk out and it'll be perfect. :)

I also got on the Pilates machine today, for the first time in awhile. The goal is to get on the treadmill this week, but I'm waiting another day or two to make sure I don't overdo it, since I've been sick for almost two weeks now.

Oh, yesterday I finally got the lawnmower to work to do the entire yard. It took three times. :( I am going to get some really good gas and see if that will fix the problem for the season. If not, I think it might actually be a carburetor problem at this point. If it is, then I'll either try to get it fixed (depending on cost) or get a new one. But, thankfully, I was able to get the yard done yesterday! Woot.

I've been trying to decompress from the week. It was a good week in some ways, but definitely hard in others. Two people I work with are no longer working where I do. That was tough. Also, my Great Aunt Mae passed away. I don't get much information from my family, but at least I got the news.

T said she didn't want to go on a vacation with us, but I'm wondering if she'll change her mind. We'll see. Lil M is doing pretty well and has definitely grown a size in the past couple of months.

I grilled out today for the first time all season... chicken, and it turned out really well. We'll have to do that a lot more. :) We had a fairly big Sunday dinner, I guess, with green beans, rice, pinto beans and salad.

Gosh, I'm boring this week.

Peace.

There are things in life

... that I don't take for granted. Or at least I try very hard not to. And one of those is my daughter, Lil M, and how we became a family. When I hear very sad stories (a recent one about a mother sending her son back to Russia ... on a plane, by himself... "giving him back") it just completely wrenches my heart. Completely.

Unfortunately, the extremely small amount of adoption disruptions give adoptions a bad name. :( And, now, Russia is considering stopping international adoptions. There is one tiny contribution we can make... please sign this petition. Please.

If we can help, in any way, to keep international adoptions open it would help so many children and families. If, for some reason, I wasn't able to adopt... I wouldn't have my own child right now. I just can't tell you how sad that makes me.

Peace.

Fun fact

So, I just realized something...

Sis likes malted milkshakes but not malted milk-balls (like from Easter).

I like malted milk-balls but not malted milkshakes.

There you go. ;-)

Peace.

The many positives of being a single parent... for both the parent and child

I found this article today:

http://singleparents.about.com/od/familyrelationships/tp/raised_single.htm

They point out that children raised by a single parent often have a stronger bond with that parent, well into their adulthood.

And, according to this article: http://singleparents.about.com/od/familyrelationships/tp/raised_single.htm I am the average single parent... well allrighty then!

This single parent took her son to "family math night" - math with M&M's, fun! He loved it and I got to eat cookies that had M&M's and to drink lemonade :) He got to see the difference in weight of M&M's, peanut M&M's and Skittles; he also did a fun little project counting them to find the median, mode, etc. And finally he plotted points on a graph, and when he connected the points it made M & M hehe, clever! We had fun.

Bubbles

Saturday, Lil M got to go to K's 5th birthday party (I'll post some pics if I get approval... but here's my girl eating a cupcake!) We had BIG fun at the birthday party, thanks C!!!

Lil M and Nephew had fun blowing bubbles in the backyard yesterday (Easter).

Celebrating Grandma's belated 60th (or according to the candles, 21st!) birthday on Easter, too.
Peace.

Haircut

Lil M got a trim tonight. She enjoyed it. :) Douglas (our hairdresser) said she ran to the wash basin to get her hair washed, and that she beat him to it... and sat down just like a big girl! She loved it. All smiles. :)

Peace.

Laughing is good

Last night we went to our favorite coffee shop and got to sit out in the evening air for a bit. We all had the giggles and played duck-duck goose, tickled each other, made the chairs into a train... T played airplane with Lil M... all, while laughing and generally making fools of ourselves in public... but it was all in good fun, and made our bellies hurt (in the good way, of course)!

This was after having a few days that were a bit more stressful. As I mentioned, last week T got herself in a little trouble with Mommy. This week, I got a call from the school for something that happened and they made it sound like it was a behavior that happened on Monday, but it was really what started everything last week. See, apparently, T got a bit obnoxious on the bus last week (Tuesday) and that was the day she decided to go "walking" with a friend and not come home when she should have. The two problems there were, a) she didn't have permission to go walk and b) she knew she needed to be home so I could go to a class.

But, the principal made it sound like what he was calling me about was this week. It was not. I believe that her bus incident happened (she told me it was the same day she got in trouble with me)... and then she probably (small guess on my part) decided that heck... if i'm already in trouble, why not go do what i want?!! So, she did. But I didn't even know about the bus thing, yet. So, she overreacted for nothing. And got herself in more trouble.

Now, one could argue that maybe she figured if she was already in trouble, why not go for it. Or maybe, if I get myself in trouble at home... the bus thing won't look so bad. I don't really know for sure, but it's all been resolved by now.

I think that what she did on the bus was typical teenage type behavior (albeit, a bit over the top). And I also think that T (as well as a lot of foster kids) get the shaft when it comes to the 'benefit of the doubt'. So, that's what I'm trying to do, in that regard.

Now, when it comes to being disrespectful to our family unit... and just going out without permission, that's a different story. And that was the only thing she saw a consequence from me about. She did say that I didn't react like previous people might have... (i didn't call the police). I want her to know that she needs to communicate with me. And, for her to really understand that, I need to communicate with her. Not just to her. With her. Some of these kids don't have that basic understanding. Everything is rules and consequences. I do believe she needs those, but she is at the point in her life where she needs to understand why there are rules/consequences and not just handed punishment.

Every situation is different, but I am trying to do right by her and all of us. I just hope I am!

This having a 17YO in the house is definitely different, but so far we're hanging in there and it's been good.

Peace.

PS. I read this awesome quote from a friend of mine, and it speaks to how I feel about life:

Edward Hale: “I am only one. But I am one. I can’t do everything, but I can do something; and that I can do, I ought to do. And what I ought to do, by the grace of God I shall do.”

Matching game

Lil M is learning how to play the matching card game with T. She's doing extremely well, I think... I'm not sure how many a 3 YO should be able to do, but she's able to remember where the different cards are that are turned over and then pick them again after they've been turned down. She's not doing it solely the way you'd normally play, but if she sees the cards first, she does remember quite a lot. :) Very cool.

We're hanging in there after our long week... I dare say that things are mostly back to normal. That also makes me glad.

We went to see Mimi and Chase last night and today. I finally got her wireless working (just hadn't had the time before to do it)... and she made us dinner. We also had some great local pizza last night. T even approved (pizza isn't her favorite thing).



Lil M has been playing dress up in this little white dress for like 2 weeks now. It is quite funny. She cracks me up. ;-)

Peace.

Behavior

This week has been a little different around here. T decided yesterday she was bored and wanted out of the house... and so left without permission. That did not go over well with me, as you can imagine. Not only did it make me late for a training class, but I had no idea where she was or when she was coming back. Not good.

So, I told her to come up with what she felt was a reasonable consequence. I got that list today, and it was more complaining 'punishment' list than anything. So, I changed it. The biggest part is for her to tell me what she thinks is a reasonable agreement for her to spend time with friend and such. The second is to tell me how she plans to be responsible, in addition to contacting me appropriately (like text, phone call, note). The third is how she plans to re-build the trust she's thrown out the window.

Let's see how that goes.

For now, I told her to put her cell phone (the one she didn't use to tell me where she was at) on the kitchen counter for the night. I will decide for how long that will last.

That's like cutting off an appendage. Or so they'd like you to believe.

What I did point out is what I did do vs. what I could have done. I could have called the police. I didn't. Instead, I called her. She told me she doesn't trust me (she hasn't known me that long)... and yet, she thinks that I should let her run around without knowing where she is, who her friends are or when she'll be home, etc. Um. NO. Not only that, but she was going to watch Lil M so I could get this training in. She completely disregarded that. I asked her if it would be acceptable for me to blow off a mandatory (or any, for that matter) training or appointment she had. ......... Uh, yeah. I didn't think it would be. (that was silence, if you couldn't tell.)

So, things here are fine, but the apple cart has been jostled a bit this week. Part of me wonders if it isn't because she is upset we were gone for a few days. Or if something else is going on. Or if she's just decided she wants to be out and to hell with the consequences. I hope we figure it out, though.

Peace.

Out and Back

Lil M and I went on a little vacation this week to N. Orleans. We had a very nice trip. We left Wed evening and got back today. We got to have some nice dinner on Thurs of catfish and shrimp and then we went to get Begnets (french donuts with lots of sugar) and coffee. It was very nice. We also got to see the Immigrants statue and I had Lil M sit on it and take a picture with Nonni.

Other than that, we just hung out and relaxed. Watched lots of boats go by on the great Mississippi and sat on the porch in rocking chairs a lot. It was gorgeous down there.

The only bad thing that happened was that Lil M got sick today in the car on the way to the airport. She's better now, but that sucked. I was told she is definitely a Mommy's girl (uh yeah), and that she is very secure with me (she was able to go to the potty in the house without me and with the door closed... even in the new environment. same with going to bed the last two nights. she would go to sleep without me, knowing i'd be up later). So, that was very nice to hear!! :) She does have difficulty not talking when others are talking, though, 'cause she is used to having all of mommy's attention most of the time (except when we're with T, but that seems to be different). So, we worked on that some more.

Peace.

Writing Name and Coloring

Lil M wrote her name at home all by herself for the first time tonight!!! Woot! :D She was coloring a picture that T had started and after she wrote it, T came and told me and I took a pic! Well, I took a pic after BOTH of them yelled for me to take pictures of them coloring! LOL

So, can you see it? it's on the Right side of the picture. :)

Lil M yells Mommaaaaay (long a sound) for me! It is pretty hysterical. Mommy, come take our picture they both said! But the big thing was that Lil M wrote her name! I'm so darn excited.

The next pics are of Lil M with MK2 at dinner, and at school.

Lil M and Mommy the morning of school pics.

Coloring is some serious business! :)

And, last but not least... my silly girls at the store with birthday hats on! "Just Because". T found them and thought they were cute... and just had to have one! So, I decided it was a good photo op! LOL

If one of those didn't make you smile... then, you're really having a bad day. ;-) And I hope that isn't the case!

We had a pretty laid back weekend. I didn't do nearly as much as I probably should have, but that's OK. T is on spring break this week and Lil M and I are going out of town for a couple of days... well, after I go back to court with Sis again for the thing against that woman who threatened her. Praying we get justice and she gets what she deserves.

Peace.

WFMW - school pics

I've started sort of a different tradition than I think other people have... I buy Lil M a new outfit for when she has her school (daycare) pics taken. Maybe it is because they take them so late, here it is March, but I am liking our new tradition and have a plan to keep it going once she's in real school. Most people I know buy their kids new clothes for the beginning of school. But isn't it sort of fun to have a new outfit (or even just shirt) for the picture day? It is the remembrance I'll have for that whole year, after all!! :)

Just my little what Works For Me Wednesday idea...

Lil M hasn't been feeling too well this week (fever night before last and then coughing and bloody nose last night from sneezing). It's also been a very busy week in the M-household... even T said she needs an "M" name and so does Skippy, LOL. So, she's Morrie and he's Mozart (well, or Merle, lol)... and NO I didn't even mention it to her, but it has been said before that we're the M family. ;-)

T had her ACT yesterday and we're both hoping she did better than her pre-ACT's...

Oh, and I got a promotion at work. :D That was good, but others were hurt in the process and I do not like that at all.

Please go here for other WFMW great ideas!


Peace.

Spring fever

I have a headache today, probably due to the big weather shift... it is much warmer today than it has been in quite awhile. It would be great to get out and do stuff, but T has got to keep studying for her ACT this coming week. So, while we all have a touch of spring fever, we'll probably go get her phone paid and then come back and stay in...

Please send up a prayer for T and this test on Tuesday... she needs to bring her score up from what she got on the practice tests, because if not she'll have to take it again. Ugh.

Lil M is doing well. She's anxious for all this to be over, too, I can tell.

Two Simple Ways to Be a Happier Parent on Yahoo! Health

Here is a good article on how to be a happier parent:

Two Simple Ways to Be a Happier Parent on Yahoo! Health

Like the article says, is seems surprisingly simple... it says:

For instance, would you like to know the one thing that will make children do better in school, help them have fewer emotional problems, and make them less likely to become obese or have drug or alcohol problems? Eat dinner together as a family.

I think that making sure we sit down to dinner together on a more regular basis is a great idea, something that I grew up doing and have really gotten away from. This is not the first time I have read this recommendation, but it is the first time I have seen anything that implies it could help prevent children from becoming obese or have alcohol problems... it makes sense.

Skaters and the Eiffel Tower

Skating on Saturday...

At school (daycare) last week they made an Eiffel tower out of marshmallows and toothpicks... kind of fun. I've decided to start taking pics of stuff like this that can't be kept permanently. Cute idea, though, and Lil M seemed to enjoy it!Peace.

New Boy

T started talking to me again last night. We didn't discuss how the weekend went or any of that, nor did she study for her ACT, but she did ask me if she could date the boy she likes. (which is a good sign, in and of itself if you think about it)

I said, well, I needed to know what she meant by dating him... what changes if I say she can or can't date him? Or what changes if she does date him? She said didn't say much, other than it wasn't for anything physical and that she's cared about him for awhile. Then she said she wanted to read to me the letters he'd written to her over a year ago when they were both in the alternative school.

She even waited around while I worked (getting some work caught up from being out of the office for awhile in the afternoon), so she could read me the letters.

The letters were nice enough, though there was a little bit of interesting information to be gotten from them... apparently, said boy has had his own wild side and been a bit depressed, too. So, I asked her if he was doing better, and she said yes. I also told her that it is not in her best interest to date someone who doesn't have the same goals as she does.

This young man, who seems nice enough, didn't graduate HS. He will need to complete his GED in order to go into the military or to college. He did tell me that he wants to go to college. So, I told T that she needs to watch out and see if he makes movement toward those goals. Otherwise, if she does finish up and go to college... there might be some bad feelings between them sooner or later about their life differences. Maybe not. But, I wanted to make sure she thinks about these things before jumping into something at the age of 17. Right?

I did tell her it was OK for her to 'date' him. I will be keeping a close eye on what this means and what it turns into, though. You can be assured of that. I am the meanest Mommy, remember?!! ;-)

As for the other stuff, well, we'll have to get into that this week. I have not let her off the subject completely, I'm just giving us a little bit of breathing room from the upset this weekend.

Peace.

Meanest Mom

This weekend I do believe that I got the Meanest Mom award... not only would I not let Lil M chew on a puzzle piece, I also wouldn't let T spend the night with her sister to take care of her 3 nieces/nephews... at the last minute... on a whim. Nope.

Here's the deal. First, Lil M does not usually put things in her mouth... that I've ever seen. Yesterday, apparently she thought it was a good idea to chew on a puzzle piece (no, she's not teething, she's 3.5 YO and has all of her teeth)... so, I took them all away. Oi. Needless to say, Mommy was pretty upset.

Saturday, T went for a home visit. About 45 minutes before my going to pick her up she called and said her sister asked if she could stay and watch her kids for her. How long?, I asked. Oh, until tomorrow morning.... uh. what?! NO. First, it's 3 children, two of which are under the age of 3. Second, don't come to me with such short notice and call me in front of your sister and ask. Then, she said that Sis didn't ask her, she offered to help her sister. OK, see my 2nd point then. Call me first. I realize I don't rate in comparison, but here's the thing - I am currently the one responsible. So, it is my decision to make.

Then T said something about calling the SW to get her to say it was OK, to which I responded it wasn't up to her. It was up to me. And I say no.

I did, however, give her two other options. One, have her sister bring said kiddos over to our house and she could watch them over night. Which, btw, is pretty generous, if you ask me. Or, she could babysit but only until 10pm, not overnight. The sister said No. That her kids' stuff was at her house and they needed to be watched there. Ok. Well... free babysitting overnight... I'm thinking if I wanted to go out, I'd take it. I guess she didn't want to go out that bad. Or... well, it was more true that T had offered and Sis didn't really care to begin with.

Here's the other thing... I had let T have a boy over last weekend for several hours. He even came to eat with us. Then, I let her go out on Friday night for a little while with this guy and she was late getting home (she did send me a text saying he lost the keys - they're in the middle of moving, but still)....

So, I've been getting the silent treatment. Oh, and she hasn't studied at all for the ACT this weekend, like she said she would. She didn't come out of her room except to go to the bathroom in 24 hours.

When she asks me to pay for her phone this week, that will also be a No. Why? Because I'm a mean Mom. But I will get the point across that I am the Mom. I make the decisions around here. That... is very important.

Peace.

UK takes on Single Mom Stereotype

Solomother posted an article that I think it is important to share. :)

Every once in a while, the UK dailies will crop up with a rash of angry readers, mostly male, complaining about single mothers as spongers, soaking up council flats and government money, living in luxury while good people break their backs for a pittance. Some of it is downright nasty..... read the rest here.


...man, i'm bloggy today!! ;0)
Peace.

Yes, She's Mine

I was thinking of changing my China adoption blog title (not this one) to a new one to better describes where we are today vs. where we/I was, say, 4 or 5 years ago. Then, I decided just to update the look of said blog... for now, without giving it a name change.

But then, last night, T (of all people, again) were having a conversation that disturbed me. :(

A little background... I was attempting to date a guy had problems in the past with someone accepting his son as a part of the family. How do you handle blended family issues, if/when they are posed type stuff.

So, T said... of course, Melissa, you wouldn't have a problem with blended families... we're not yours...

What?? Not mine? Who's not mine?

To which, I responded... yes, Lil M is mine. And then she retracted and said, yes she's yours... but I can see she struggles with those ideas. She really believes that family is by blood, for good or bad.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't think that T has a problem with our family. She's trying to make her way just like we are. And she's gone through way, way more than any teenager should have to in their life. So, I do try to take it all with a grain of salt.

But that my foster child thinks that this family is not "real" just because I didn't birth either of them is.... Ouch. I might have to revisit the whole adoption blog name thing... and one thought/suggestion had been to re-name it to "Yes, She's Mine".

The positive is... yes... it is a true statement.

The negative's... well, I'm not trying to negate any birth mom's feelings, or any adoptees' feelings for that matter. Oh, and I don't believe in the whole ownership of children, and this title implies that.

Today, I'm feeling like it is not my responsibility to educate others. And, yet it is, if I want to be an advocate for change. It starts with one person, right? Comments like that hurt. Plain and simple. They hurt those of us who have worked so hard to have our own family... and especially when that family looks different from others.

Peace.

Premium Increases by Anthem Blue Cross in the Individual Health Insurance Market

Premium Increases by Anthem Blue Cross in the Individual Health Insurance Market

WFMW - decluttering

I'm not the first, nor will I be the last who is trying to de-clutter their houses, their lives. Right? So, I thought I'd write today about how I'm going about that... and maybe it'll help someone else along the way. :) Please go to We Are That Family for more great WFMW ideas.

1. Go through your mind and think about the stuff you use every single day. Ok, now... that stuff is untouchable.

2. Now, think about the stuff you use occasionally. Why do you use it? Out of need or guilt? And by guilt, I mean... do you use that item just because someone gave it to you, but it's not really something you love? Let's see an example for me... my panini maker. Now, I wanted one really bad. But the one I was gifted isn't quite what I wanted. But I used it anyway, on occasion. The question is... do I keep this one just because someone (my Dad, in this case) gave it to me? Hmmm... must think about that.

But that's the point. In the de-cluttering exercise for me, it is crucial to figure out why and how I think about the items around me. And then determine if I really need that item. Maybe it should be replaced? Or not.

3. Think about the stuff you put "away" for the next season. You know, those clothes you put up for summer or winter? Before you just grab that box (if you ever do), make a mental note to yourself to pick out at least 5 things that can go away. Because, seriously, you're going to probably buy 5 things this season, aren't you? Of course you are. :)

4. Think about the stuff that you haven't looked at in some box somewhere for at least one year. Is it mail? SHRED it. Is it "stuff" you're holding onto? Why?

Reasons for me are - baby clothes. I want to keep some baby clothes for Lil M just to have for her later. And some others I want to keep "just in case" I can adopt/have a second child. Part of my de-cluttering process this spring will be to go through ALL of those clothes and pick out what can stay and what must go. I don't need a ton of that stuff. I think I will pare it down to one box of keepsake stuff for her and one box of "just in case". Trust me. This will be paring down. :)

What about the other stuff you've kept "just in case"? Tools, old sheets, old baskets... old crap. Go through that crap and just start tossing. Really. You don't need this stuff. It's the most expendible of all the areas, right? And, it's been said many, many times... if you haven't used it in a year, get rid of it. Pare it down to a box. Not three. Not ten.

Now. My problem is my sewing room stuff. The sewing room has been dismantled so I could foster T. I have bins and bins and bins (no joke) of fabric and quilting items. I should go through this one more time (already have once and gave at least two big boxes to goodwill)... but, for me, I am not quite ready to do this.

So, sometimes you need to get your head around what you can do, and leave the rest for the next round of de-cluttering. There is no sense in having an all-or-nothing attitude when it comes to this, or you might just not even start. It's better to get rid of some, than to not even begin.

I'm sure you have some other ideas?? Share, please!

Peace.

Not worth it

It is just not worth it for me to date right now. There I said it. Men are pigs (sorry Tom), and I have better things to do with my time than to worry if they like me or not. Seriously. And, somehow I've been feeling like I'm the one with the problem. I'm not. They are just not worth my time.

So there you have it.

Ok, so I'm editing to add the more important part. A good friend of mine mentioned to me that I get "stuck" when I get into a relationship. And by that, he means stop dead due to fear. And, he'd be right. And I haven't worked on myself to fix that. On the flip side, not one person I've ever dated has ever seemed to get that or me at all. I've picked the wrong men, and before I date again, I need to really sit down and figure out who the right one might even look like. And, see if I can get past my own fears.

btw, thanks, Joe. You really helped me today. :)

Peace.

Gray day

The snow is starting to melt here, which is nice. And it's warmed up a bit, which is also nice. But it's definitely gray out there. I wonder if the weather is going to start getting better any time soon.

I need to get to the grocery and write a weekly menu. I'm sort of bored with what we've been eating, or not eating, lately. I haven't used a menu since T came to live with us, and I think it is about time to re-start that. Suggestions? (ok, except beef or pork, please.)

I wonder how others get through the winter blahs... maybe I need to go buy a sun-lamp. :) J/K. I probably won't do that, but I've heard that some people swear by them.

Peace.

PS. P6BFCNUQ3E5W

Faithful

Lil M, T and I had a fun time taking random pics last night. We didn't really do anything other than that all weekend. Sitting here in my reflection time, I'm even more convinced that life doesn't feel very fair sometimes. Don't get me wrong. My life is great. My life is greater than most, even. But do you ever feel like there's that elusive thing that's missing? Or that you can't do? Or can't get right? That's how I feel tonight. I'm frustrated with myself. Oh well.

God is good. I know that somehow my life will work out the way it should, even though I don't understand it.

The one thing I'd like to figure out? How to grow old and not do it alone.

I do have Lil M (and T, right now). But someday she will grow up and be on her own. Maybe I will try to go ahead and start a 2nd adoption, but that isn't the only reason I'd like to do that. Regardless, there will come a point... maybe God will be merciful and help me figure out how to be in a relationship with someone by then. If not, please, God, help me to figure out how to not be alone.

There you go. We all have our fears and our "stuff". I do believe that God is loving and merciful and wants us to be happy. So, I will continue to work toward my being faithful, hopeful and joyful. :)

I will tell you that Lil M and T definitely are great to have around. We got to be silly last night and Lil M is growing up so fast. She has the most beautiful spirit, that girl. :D She's my angel.


Peace.

Reflection Lent

Do you recognize the Lenten season, or Lent? I'm not Catholic, but I do recognize the importance of this time of year and am more reflective because of it. I believe everyone should take time out of their busy schedules and lives to reflect on themselves, their lives, and most especially... their relationship with their Maker.

For me, I accepted the Lord into my heart many years ago... And, while I don't go to church as often as I'd like and am way more liberal than when I started my walk... I do really enjoy taking this time to reflect. I think it helps to remember what you and God have been through in the past to help you get through what you will go through in the future, if that makes sense.

And God Is Good.

In my own life, God has blessed me beyond measure. I have Mia to prove that. And even in the dark days that I had to go through, I have ended up being able to be Mommy to one of the most amazing little persons I've ever known. Thank you God.

I'm also learning more about myself and my life by being a Foster Mom. That's been different and it is something I am thankful that I have God on my side for. I'm taking it one day, one situation at a time and so far I feel like I'm at least doing my part. And, I feel like that's what I need to focus on with this endeavor. Not worry what will come of it, or not come of it. What decisions the kid(s) will make or not make. But, have I done my part? Did I do what I was able? I'm trying to keep that answer a yes. And so far, it is.

Beyond all that, people can be mean, they can be difficult, disappointing and negative. But then there is God. God not only prevails, S/he helps us to succeed when we are unsure, but put ourselves out there in Faith. Sometimes, life makes it look like failure, but even in those moments I believe something good can come. And don't get me wrong, I have quite a few of those moments. We all do. But then there is something amazing that can happen that would never have happened if life turned out the way you thought it was "supposed" to.

Instead of living in the disappointment, I choose to live in the Hope and the precious moments I have been given.

For those who have been given much, much is required. I pray I'm doing my part, because I do believe I've been given much. Thank you, Jesus.

Also, I'll share my favorite scripture today... just because I'm in this reflection mode.

Be joyful in hope,
patient in affliction,
and faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

May this Lenten season bring you much reflection, a deeper relationship with Christ, and peace.

Peace.

So much snow

We've gotten a record-breaking 21.8" (or more) of snow for the month of February here... between yesterday and this morning, we've gotten probably 8 or 9", on top of last week's snow. It's crazy. If we get much more, we will break the record for the most snow in the season, according to the weather man on the local news. Yikes.

We're all a little cabin-feverish and ready for the snow to be over.

Lil M has been having fun with Mommy home, though, today... she has been playing dress-up and with all her babies (animals). I think she likes it when I work from home.

I need to clean the driveway YET AGAIN today. :( ugh. They did finally plow my street, but they blocked me in... even though, I had cleaned off the driveway yesterday and there's probably 2 or 3" of snow on it... I had cleaned off the bottom as well as I could, knowing they were going to plow it right back there. Dam* them. That's the hard stuff to get off, too.

Oh well... every thing else is moving along just fine. If you're snowed in... hug your babies. If not... hug them anyway. :)

Peace.