interesting

We went to T's choral concert last weekend. There, I met a family who had clearly adopted from China. 4 children, and one on the way from the Ukraine. What was interesting was that the Mom looked at me and said "is she adopted", referring, obviously, to Lil M. well... yes, she was adopted (as an adoptive parent herself, I was surprised she said it that way, but whatever).

She said... Where's she from? Guatemala??

Uh. No. She's Chinese. (me thinking... duh, can't you tell?! lol)

Really?? She doesn't look Chinese!

Well... she is. To which I decided to tell her about where Lil M was from... and could see the woman zone out. If I had 4 kids sitting with me, I'd probably zone out, too.

You see, Lil M doesn't have the traditional Han features. Which is totally ok, 'cause she's beautiful just the way she is. The thing I wonder, though, ...is where do people really think she's from? Most people don't come right out and ask.

Then the dad came to sit down, and he must have told me and Lil M how beautiful she was about 15 times. It was all very interesting...

Peace.

Better

I had a rough few days there, trying to come to terms with my foster daughter's new situation. But this week has felt better. We'll get through it all. I'm thankful for all the encouragement that I've received from my friends and family.

Sis and I have our birthdays tomorrow. Looks like we won't be spending it together this year, as she's taking nephew to the movies. I'm going with T and Lil M to dinner with some friends. It's sort of sad we won't be having dinner together. But I think dinner will be nice. Glad I double-checked the reservation today, 'cause they had it down for the wrong day.

Big giant piece of cheesecake here I come. :)

Peace.

PS. we did get to spend our birthday together and had a GREAT time!! there were 15 of us at dinner and most everything went well. it rained cats and dogs on the way over... but we all made it and had that big giant piece of cheesecake at the end!

Some days

Some days I just wonder what the hell to do with everything. This past week when T's anger got the best of her, we had to deal with all that. Now... well, she and the boyfriend might have gotten themselves into a situation that isn't really good for either of them right now.

So, I'm having a little poor pity me talk in my own head. Knowing full well that I need to just get over it and help her move forward with all this the best way possible. And to be as supportive as I can.

Days like today being a foster parent are really tough... emotionally. I can't change the decisions she makes and I can't seem to help her make better ones (that's how I feel today)... and I'm going to be honest, some moments I feel like why am I doing this? (i didn't sign up for this, i wanted to foster-to-adopt, remember?) Why not just give up... but then I realize that she needs someone to help her through, even if I don't agree or understand why she's making the decisions she's making.

They say being brave isn't doing something without fear... it is moving forward in spite of it. So, move forward I shall try.

I'm sure this will all work out and be OK, and most of it is only indirectly really affecting me (so far). I just need to process it all.

Then, on top of it... my Kaz option doesn't seem to be a real option now.

Peace.

Just because

...it's Mother's day doesn't mean you stop doing Mom duties. Yesterday was Mother's day and we went to church first. That was nice. Then we went to see Aiyee Mimi, and went to have Indian food for lunch. Her treat. YUM. :) Then we treated ourselves to Starbucks, just Sis and I, not the kids. They went with us, but no treats for them there. After that, we took Grandma Janice some flowers and Granny Gail some flowers. It was all good.

Unfortunately, after that... someone had a bit of a meltdown.

As Sis and I were talking inside (her house), Nephew and Lil M were bugging T. So, T yelled at them to stop. Which made us both run outside to see what was going on. T yelled at Sis. Sis yelled at T. T punched my car window (at least twice), and then walked off. All Sis wanted was T to tell her what was wrong so we could fix it, and instead got yelled at disrespectfully. So, I followed T, and got her calmed down a bit.

After that, apologies all around. We are family, even if temporary, and respect must be shown. Then Sis got T some ice for her hand.

On the way home we realized that T might have done more damage than we first thought to her hand. So we went to Urgent Care, where they put a temporary cast on it. She broke her 5th knuckle on her right hand. She goes to an Ortho Dr this week for a perm cast. Oh boy.

I'm going to back up for a sec. On Saturday this weekend I had a mandatory foster class regarding de-escalation and how to handle someone who might come at you (and how to re-direct them in a protective kind of way). Now, these classes are important because they help us to know when a situation might get out of hand and how we might be able to handle it. Calming the situation down is essential. Yesterday, T did not come at one of us, but she did get upset and cause herself harm by hitting the window... and, for me, my objective was to de-escalate the situation as quickly as possible, for all our sakes. I was able to do that, so that part was good.

Now, the bigger thought for the day is... foster kids are different in some ways. We don't always know their entire stories. I don't know all of hers. And, so even though they may exhibit behaviors we'd rather not see in our own children, they are coming from a different place and sometimes that place is extremely sad/lonely/depressing/difficult - to the Nth degree. What we have seen or experienced in our lives as negative or hurtful is 10 times worse where they came from, because there are some just-plain-awful people out there who abuse their children. Yes, abuse. And when they come to us, they are fragile in ways we just don't think they appear... and one little thing can send them over the top all the while seeming completely ridiculous to us.

Yelling means you're just on the first rung of normal chain of events for them. They expect that the yelling is going to turn into hitting or punching or pushing them out the door. Leaving them. Giving them up. Not loving them. Everyone gives up on them. And so, something that we take for granted... yelling at our own kids when they make a mistake (when, we shouldn't then even, probably, but hey... we're all human) means something entirely different to a foster child. Even if they are a teenager. Even if they are going through their own hormonal stuff. Especially because of those things.

It is very difficult to remain calm when it seems like something happens that is so 'normal' that it could (and might even be) typical teenage behavior. Actually, it is damn hard. But remembering it is ALL couched in fears, denials, abuse, neglect, hatred (of themselves, from others, to others, all of the above) and failure can help to keep perspective when something happens that makes you want to react.

My thought is that her behavior rapidly escalated this weekend due to it being Mother's day and all her feelings around her own situation. I can't expect her to be 'grateful' to be at my home when all she wants is to be with her 'real' family. She is 17. She has a family. They may be broken in ways... but it's still her family. And, for better or worse, all I can do is to try to help her in this spot in her life. Though, it did disappoint me that she didn't even wish me a happy Mother's day.

I've taken myself off the list to have more than one foster child at this time. One is enough right now. She needs more than I know how to give some days... adding another would just make that even more difficult, IMO. And, then there's Lil M. So between the two... I've got my hands full.

Back to T. Her previous foster parents stopped placement when she punched their dash in their car. Somehow, I am wondering if she thinks that's what I'm going to do - send her back, though we haven't talked about it. But I'm not. I wasn't happy that she punched anything, but she didn't go after anyone (if she did, that'd be different). She did walk away. So, this is just something we're going to have to work through. Prayers are welcome.

Peace.

pretty in pink

I received these gorgeous and yummy strawberries today from my friend... they were for a foster care article I was interviewed for last week (that I was nervous about but it went alright), plus Mom's day. YUM. So thoughtful.

So, speaking of the article, apparently my agency's received a couple of referrals from it already. Which is just amazing to me. :)

Lil M had her program last night and here are a couple of pics... She and her friend MK2 got to play twins because they were supposed to wear pink, yellow or white "plain" t-shirts... They are so adorable together.



Here they are contemplating the hopscotch... with their leaf-switches, that they also "swept" the sidewalk with. LOL

And, finally, here's a teeny video of the program. :) I didn't cry this year, but I imagine when she 'graduates' from DC next year, I probably will. lol.



Peace.

Glad it is Friday

My little one has a year-end program today at school and that's going to be neat to see. It'll be her first... and they are singing 3 songs as a class.

I've been working my butt off at work this week trying to get some test cases uploaded and will hopefully get to start testing on Monday. It's sort of been mind-numbing and a bit frustrating. But it'll be fine.

T got herself a detention at school, and then proceeded not to go to it. She'll likely get more added to it. Why do kids do that?

Thank goodness it is Friday! The weekend is almost here. :) Though, I do have a mandatory class tomorrow for my agency.

Peace.

some days

I will confess that I'm a realist. I'm also a hopeful person. Positive, yes, but not an eternal optimist. These past few days at home have been kind of tough for me. After T didn't go with us to the funeral on thursday, she has pretty much stayed in her room and only talked to me when necessary. I did get upset with her Thurs for being late, and we had a long talk. But, either there is something else going on, or she's just upset with me. And, frankly, I just don't feel like pushing it right now. At the same time, I feel like a failure (the past few times i've asked what's wrong she says nothing or says it isn't about me... right). So, she's been here, but not here. AT ALL. I'm discouraged. I know this stuff happens, and it is likely going to be fine in a day or two. But today, I'm feeling stressed about it.

I said the things before about being a realist. I can't make someone want to be here or care. All I can do for her is to try to be here and keep moving forward. Most days it is no problem, and I feel like we're doing pretty well. Today, I feel like my contributions in this area (of fostering) are extremely limited. And do not know what I will do moving forward in this area.

Then that makes me question having a 2nd child. Which isn't in the near future at this point, anyway, with moving (someday) and/or figuring out if I'll need to put Lil M in private school next year. So, there you have it. I'm having sort of a pity-me day. Oh well... this too shall pass!!

I thank the Lord God for all the blessings in my/our life(lives).

Peace.

cold and rainy

There's your weather report for here... it is cold and rainy. I'm sitting in my new office at work, and wishing I was sitting on the couch under a blanket with a cup of tea about right now. lol

Things are OK here, but have been stressful for the past few weeks. My getting a new office meant others were hurt and I don't like that part. I do like the new digs and am hoping things move forward for me.

On the home front, things are pretty well the same as they've been. We've been to the park a couple of times recently, and that's been nice. T did alright on her ACT, but not high enough... so will need to re-take it. Lil M has transitioned into her new room at daycare pretty well, even though I don't always like the new behaviors that have come from that. We had a stressful couple of weeks there, or I did, anyway... I don't like her changing rooms all the time and having to keep getting used a new teacher and new ways. But it is working out.

So back to the work thing. I got a title change and 3 direct reports. It wasn't exactly a level change, except the direct reports, just more added to my title. But I did get the office. I pray that in the next few months that it all becomes more solidified and that I can prove that I am the right person to help lead here. I also lift up a prayer for those who have been affected negatively through all the change.

Peace.

Weekend stuff

We got some housework done today, plus, I cleaned the car out! Not only did I clean it out (ok, except the trunk), I vacuumed it and got it wiped out. It looks good!! I need to get it washed and clean the trunk out and it'll be perfect. :)

I also got on the Pilates machine today, for the first time in awhile. The goal is to get on the treadmill this week, but I'm waiting another day or two to make sure I don't overdo it, since I've been sick for almost two weeks now.

Oh, yesterday I finally got the lawnmower to work to do the entire yard. It took three times. :( I am going to get some really good gas and see if that will fix the problem for the season. If not, I think it might actually be a carburetor problem at this point. If it is, then I'll either try to get it fixed (depending on cost) or get a new one. But, thankfully, I was able to get the yard done yesterday! Woot.

I've been trying to decompress from the week. It was a good week in some ways, but definitely hard in others. Two people I work with are no longer working where I do. That was tough. Also, my Great Aunt Mae passed away. I don't get much information from my family, but at least I got the news.

T said she didn't want to go on a vacation with us, but I'm wondering if she'll change her mind. We'll see. Lil M is doing pretty well and has definitely grown a size in the past couple of months.

I grilled out today for the first time all season... chicken, and it turned out really well. We'll have to do that a lot more. :) We had a fairly big Sunday dinner, I guess, with green beans, rice, pinto beans and salad.

Gosh, I'm boring this week.

Peace.

There are things in life

... that I don't take for granted. Or at least I try very hard not to. And one of those is my daughter, Lil M, and how we became a family. When I hear very sad stories (a recent one about a mother sending her son back to Russia ... on a plane, by himself... "giving him back") it just completely wrenches my heart. Completely.

Unfortunately, the extremely small amount of adoption disruptions give adoptions a bad name. :( And, now, Russia is considering stopping international adoptions. There is one tiny contribution we can make... please sign this petition. Please.

If we can help, in any way, to keep international adoptions open it would help so many children and families. If, for some reason, I wasn't able to adopt... I wouldn't have my own child right now. I just can't tell you how sad that makes me.

Peace.

Fun fact

So, I just realized something...

Sis likes malted milkshakes but not malted milk-balls (like from Easter).

I like malted milk-balls but not malted milkshakes.

There you go. ;-)

Peace.

The many positives of being a single parent... for both the parent and child

I found this article today:

http://singleparents.about.com/od/familyrelationships/tp/raised_single.htm

They point out that children raised by a single parent often have a stronger bond with that parent, well into their adulthood.

And, according to this article: http://singleparents.about.com/od/familyrelationships/tp/raised_single.htm I am the average single parent... well allrighty then!

This single parent took her son to "family math night" - math with M&M's, fun! He loved it and I got to eat cookies that had M&M's and to drink lemonade :) He got to see the difference in weight of M&M's, peanut M&M's and Skittles; he also did a fun little project counting them to find the median, mode, etc. And finally he plotted points on a graph, and when he connected the points it made M & M hehe, clever! We had fun.

Bubbles

Saturday, Lil M got to go to K's 5th birthday party (I'll post some pics if I get approval... but here's my girl eating a cupcake!) We had BIG fun at the birthday party, thanks C!!!

Lil M and Nephew had fun blowing bubbles in the backyard yesterday (Easter).

Celebrating Grandma's belated 60th (or according to the candles, 21st!) birthday on Easter, too.
Peace.

Haircut

Lil M got a trim tonight. She enjoyed it. :) Douglas (our hairdresser) said she ran to the wash basin to get her hair washed, and that she beat him to it... and sat down just like a big girl! She loved it. All smiles. :)

Peace.

Laughing is good

Last night we went to our favorite coffee shop and got to sit out in the evening air for a bit. We all had the giggles and played duck-duck goose, tickled each other, made the chairs into a train... T played airplane with Lil M... all, while laughing and generally making fools of ourselves in public... but it was all in good fun, and made our bellies hurt (in the good way, of course)!

This was after having a few days that were a bit more stressful. As I mentioned, last week T got herself in a little trouble with Mommy. This week, I got a call from the school for something that happened and they made it sound like it was a behavior that happened on Monday, but it was really what started everything last week. See, apparently, T got a bit obnoxious on the bus last week (Tuesday) and that was the day she decided to go "walking" with a friend and not come home when she should have. The two problems there were, a) she didn't have permission to go walk and b) she knew she needed to be home so I could go to a class.

But, the principal made it sound like what he was calling me about was this week. It was not. I believe that her bus incident happened (she told me it was the same day she got in trouble with me)... and then she probably (small guess on my part) decided that heck... if i'm already in trouble, why not go do what i want?!! So, she did. But I didn't even know about the bus thing, yet. So, she overreacted for nothing. And got herself in more trouble.

Now, one could argue that maybe she figured if she was already in trouble, why not go for it. Or maybe, if I get myself in trouble at home... the bus thing won't look so bad. I don't really know for sure, but it's all been resolved by now.

I think that what she did on the bus was typical teenage type behavior (albeit, a bit over the top). And I also think that T (as well as a lot of foster kids) get the shaft when it comes to the 'benefit of the doubt'. So, that's what I'm trying to do, in that regard.

Now, when it comes to being disrespectful to our family unit... and just going out without permission, that's a different story. And that was the only thing she saw a consequence from me about. She did say that I didn't react like previous people might have... (i didn't call the police). I want her to know that she needs to communicate with me. And, for her to really understand that, I need to communicate with her. Not just to her. With her. Some of these kids don't have that basic understanding. Everything is rules and consequences. I do believe she needs those, but she is at the point in her life where she needs to understand why there are rules/consequences and not just handed punishment.

Every situation is different, but I am trying to do right by her and all of us. I just hope I am!

This having a 17YO in the house is definitely different, but so far we're hanging in there and it's been good.

Peace.

PS. I read this awesome quote from a friend of mine, and it speaks to how I feel about life:

Edward Hale: “I am only one. But I am one. I can’t do everything, but I can do something; and that I can do, I ought to do. And what I ought to do, by the grace of God I shall do.”

Matching game

Lil M is learning how to play the matching card game with T. She's doing extremely well, I think... I'm not sure how many a 3 YO should be able to do, but she's able to remember where the different cards are that are turned over and then pick them again after they've been turned down. She's not doing it solely the way you'd normally play, but if she sees the cards first, she does remember quite a lot. :) Very cool.

We're hanging in there after our long week... I dare say that things are mostly back to normal. That also makes me glad.

We went to see Mimi and Chase last night and today. I finally got her wireless working (just hadn't had the time before to do it)... and she made us dinner. We also had some great local pizza last night. T even approved (pizza isn't her favorite thing).



Lil M has been playing dress up in this little white dress for like 2 weeks now. It is quite funny. She cracks me up. ;-)

Peace.

Behavior

This week has been a little different around here. T decided yesterday she was bored and wanted out of the house... and so left without permission. That did not go over well with me, as you can imagine. Not only did it make me late for a training class, but I had no idea where she was or when she was coming back. Not good.

So, I told her to come up with what she felt was a reasonable consequence. I got that list today, and it was more complaining 'punishment' list than anything. So, I changed it. The biggest part is for her to tell me what she thinks is a reasonable agreement for her to spend time with friend and such. The second is to tell me how she plans to be responsible, in addition to contacting me appropriately (like text, phone call, note). The third is how she plans to re-build the trust she's thrown out the window.

Let's see how that goes.

For now, I told her to put her cell phone (the one she didn't use to tell me where she was at) on the kitchen counter for the night. I will decide for how long that will last.

That's like cutting off an appendage. Or so they'd like you to believe.

What I did point out is what I did do vs. what I could have done. I could have called the police. I didn't. Instead, I called her. She told me she doesn't trust me (she hasn't known me that long)... and yet, she thinks that I should let her run around without knowing where she is, who her friends are or when she'll be home, etc. Um. NO. Not only that, but she was going to watch Lil M so I could get this training in. She completely disregarded that. I asked her if it would be acceptable for me to blow off a mandatory (or any, for that matter) training or appointment she had. ......... Uh, yeah. I didn't think it would be. (that was silence, if you couldn't tell.)

So, things here are fine, but the apple cart has been jostled a bit this week. Part of me wonders if it isn't because she is upset we were gone for a few days. Or if something else is going on. Or if she's just decided she wants to be out and to hell with the consequences. I hope we figure it out, though.

Peace.

Out and Back

Lil M and I went on a little vacation this week to N. Orleans. We had a very nice trip. We left Wed evening and got back today. We got to have some nice dinner on Thurs of catfish and shrimp and then we went to get Begnets (french donuts with lots of sugar) and coffee. It was very nice. We also got to see the Immigrants statue and I had Lil M sit on it and take a picture with Nonni.

Other than that, we just hung out and relaxed. Watched lots of boats go by on the great Mississippi and sat on the porch in rocking chairs a lot. It was gorgeous down there.

The only bad thing that happened was that Lil M got sick today in the car on the way to the airport. She's better now, but that sucked. I was told she is definitely a Mommy's girl (uh yeah), and that she is very secure with me (she was able to go to the potty in the house without me and with the door closed... even in the new environment. same with going to bed the last two nights. she would go to sleep without me, knowing i'd be up later). So, that was very nice to hear!! :) She does have difficulty not talking when others are talking, though, 'cause she is used to having all of mommy's attention most of the time (except when we're with T, but that seems to be different). So, we worked on that some more.

Peace.

Writing Name and Coloring

Lil M wrote her name at home all by herself for the first time tonight!!! Woot! :D She was coloring a picture that T had started and after she wrote it, T came and told me and I took a pic! Well, I took a pic after BOTH of them yelled for me to take pictures of them coloring! LOL

So, can you see it? it's on the Right side of the picture. :)

Lil M yells Mommaaaaay (long a sound) for me! It is pretty hysterical. Mommy, come take our picture they both said! But the big thing was that Lil M wrote her name! I'm so darn excited.

The next pics are of Lil M with MK2 at dinner, and at school.

Lil M and Mommy the morning of school pics.

Coloring is some serious business! :)

And, last but not least... my silly girls at the store with birthday hats on! "Just Because". T found them and thought they were cute... and just had to have one! So, I decided it was a good photo op! LOL

If one of those didn't make you smile... then, you're really having a bad day. ;-) And I hope that isn't the case!

We had a pretty laid back weekend. I didn't do nearly as much as I probably should have, but that's OK. T is on spring break this week and Lil M and I are going out of town for a couple of days... well, after I go back to court with Sis again for the thing against that woman who threatened her. Praying we get justice and she gets what she deserves.

Peace.

WFMW - school pics

I've started sort of a different tradition than I think other people have... I buy Lil M a new outfit for when she has her school (daycare) pics taken. Maybe it is because they take them so late, here it is March, but I am liking our new tradition and have a plan to keep it going once she's in real school. Most people I know buy their kids new clothes for the beginning of school. But isn't it sort of fun to have a new outfit (or even just shirt) for the picture day? It is the remembrance I'll have for that whole year, after all!! :)

Just my little what Works For Me Wednesday idea...

Lil M hasn't been feeling too well this week (fever night before last and then coughing and bloody nose last night from sneezing). It's also been a very busy week in the M-household... even T said she needs an "M" name and so does Skippy, LOL. So, she's Morrie and he's Mozart (well, or Merle, lol)... and NO I didn't even mention it to her, but it has been said before that we're the M family. ;-)

T had her ACT yesterday and we're both hoping she did better than her pre-ACT's...

Oh, and I got a promotion at work. :D That was good, but others were hurt in the process and I do not like that at all.

Please go here for other WFMW great ideas!


Peace.