Self-worth

So, have you ever thought about self-worth? I mean... people go on and on and on about love. Love others. Love yourself. Or not. But it's all about love.

And I mostly agree with that. Love is good. And it is certainly something I espouse to do. ;-)

But it has occurred to me recently that I don't feel so "worthy"... worthy of expressing my own needs and wants. Worthy of not only expressing them, but demanding them as an equal person among all of my friends and family and anyone else on the street. Yes. I am worthy. Not just lovable, but worthy.

And oddly, I've always felt like someone else's needs were more important than my own. Why? I don't know. This isn't even the 'mother' or 'woman' complex. It is really just a core feeling. Something I've felt since before I can even remember... and, yet, it is just not right. I mean, really. It is important to love other people. But it is also important to know and love yourself. And part of loving yourself is acknowledging what your own needs are and realizing that it is OK to have those needs. It is not being self-righteous or even selfish in the normal negative connotation. It is just realizing that you are equally as worthy as those you love and defend and take care of.

And when we put ourselves down and let other people lord over us, it is not good. I believe that is what it is, "Lording". Putting others before your own self is like putting them on some type of pedestal ... like they are better or greater than you and your own self and your own needs.

And that's exactly what I've done my entire life. Even when others can't see it, it's been my modus operandi (MO). And when others can't figure out my needs, then I get upset. Why can't they see it? ... well, they can't see it because they can't read minds and if I don't tell them, how do I expect that they will see it???

So, this is what I'm trying to learn... and it probably sounds super easy for some people. And those people would probably think me nuts for even bringing up the subject. But, I have to be honest with myself... I need to learn that I am worthy just for being me. I am good enough as is.

Isn't it interesting the things we learn as we grow up and how convoluted our self-perception can be? I would really prefer not to pass this learned behavior on to my daughter. So, I better figure out how to deal with it now! :)

Peace.