color change

I changed the color of my blog... the other one was feeling a bit drab... wonder if anyone will notice or care?!! :) (also, don't be surprised if i change it back...)

Also, I know that I say that Sis will post, but she's really only ever posted once. I will certainly try to get her to post again, but for now... you're stuck with ME!

Today, I met some guys that I used to work with for lunch at a local Pizza place... YUM. It was good catching up with them.


Tonight, Lil M and I will be having our 3rd play-date this week. We're on a roll... mostly, 'cause Mommy doesn't want to sit at the house and mope. (ok, well, technically... last night was just dinner and the night before we were attempting to put the toddler bed together, but play-dates sounded more fun.) It will be great to see Carol and her daughter Kate tonight. Hopefully, I'll remember to take my camera and get a pic or two. :)

Peace.

Another no pull-up night

So, Lil M is really working on nighttime potty training... she has told me every night for the past week, except one, that she didn't need a pull-up. We had 3 of 4 nights dry... then pull-up (and dry), then just slightly damp...and last night was a bust. Totally wet.

But she wanted to try again! My little trooper. :) So, let's see how she does.

Peace.

Temporary Placement

I thought I might have an emergency, temporary foster placement today... it was going to be 3 kiddos (5,3,1)... and, again, it was just temporary. But I did try to get ready for it, and now I'm a little sad that they won't be coming. They were placed with a different family, which is fine.

What happens is that the Agency calls me to see if I will accept a placement. When I say yes, they send my homestudy to the State Agency Worker... and that person gets more than one homestudy... then they the State worker decided which family to place the child(ren) with. In this case, they went with a traditional DCBS family. No biggie. 3 kids would have been a little tough, but since it was a true foster situation, I felt OK about it.

Oh, and the fact that I had a crummy night last night. So, I was trying to forget about all that...

A friend is going to come help put the toddler bed together tonight. :D Woohoo! And, another is going to let me borrow a twin bed... plus, Mindy has one I can use if I need it... so, I will have at least one twin bed soon. The agency has already asked me about two other placement situations, but they weren't emergencies, so I will probably figure that out tomorrow or sometime this week.

Peace.

Lentil Loaf?

I am considering trying something new this week... a 'meatloaf' made out of lentils. I love beans. What can I say... we eat them because Lil M and I both really like them... and, that works, too, because I don't have a super-love for most meats. Normally, I'd make meatloaf out of ground turkey. But I'm considering trying this recipe. :)

Vegetarian "Meatloaf" with Oats Recipe

Serves 6

Takes 10 minutes to prepare and 30-40 minutes to cook.

This version of Lentil Loaf is a classic. It is high in protein, yet free from soy. It is flavorful and has a lovely texture - this loaf is a perfect starter vegetarian dish. Appreciate lentil loaf for its unique taste - it doesn't try to copy the flavor of meat.

Because Vegetarian Meatloaf is smaller than a turkey, there is plenty of room left in the oven for roasting vegetable side dishes like sweet potatoes, turnip, or squash.

Ingredients:

• 1 (19 oz.) can lentils, drained, rinsed, and slightly mashed
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 1 cup rolled oats (quick or large flake)
• ¾ cup grated old cheddar cheese
• 1 egg, beaten
• ½ – 2/3 cup spaghetti sauce or barbecue sauce
  
• 1 tsp. garlic powder
• 1 tsp. dried basil
• ¼ – 1/2 tsp. seasoning salt
• ¼ tsp. black pepper

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Mix lentils, onion, oats, and cheese in a large bowl and mix well.
3. Add the beaten egg and mix well.
4. Add the sauce, garlic, basil, salt, and pepper.
5. Spray a loaf pan with cooking spray and pour/scrape the lentil mixture in. Even out the top surface with a spatula or fork.
6. Bake uncovered 30-40 minutes or until top is golden and crispy.
7. Let cool at least 5 minutes.
8. Turn out onto serving platter and garnish with parsley, if desired.

Variations:

Add chopped celery, different sauces, different cheeses (or no cheese!) or try more traditional poultry spices instead of the Italian ones. Serve with all the 'fixins: mushroom gravy, mashed potatoes, squash, and salad.

Read more: http://vegetariancuisine.suite101.com/article.cfm/vegetarian_thanksgiving_dishes#ixzz0V3fHPvAi

Thoughts or suggestions (if you've tried something like this)...are welcome. :)

Peace.

Bread...made of squash

So, I made butternut squash the night before last... and I figure it is pretty close to pumpkin, so why not use it in my bread recipe...?? Yep, I'm crazy.

Oh, and I didn't have any flour in the house. How is that possible, you ask? Well, I haven't baked in awhile and I don't like to leave it just sit forever, so apparently I was out. So, what did I do? I took oats and ground them in the blender/processor attachment. Yep.

pumpkin bread recipe

Found this recipe tonight (here), and am thinking of trying it tomorrow with the squash I cooked last night (or the can pumpkin I bought)... just to see how good it is. :) 'cause, it looks darn good.

I was thinking I might use canola oil, but somehow I think I need to go get some veggie oil instead.


Preheat the oven to 350.

1 cup pureed pumpkin
1 3/4 cup flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 1/2 cup sugar
2 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
3/4 tsp. salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp allspice
1/4 cup water

Mix all the dry stuff in one bowl. Mix all the wet stuff in another bowl. Then mix them together. Easy.
Grease and flour a loaf pan. Dump the batter in. Bake it for an hour or until it is done in the middle.

Toddler bed

Lil M has had 3 dry nights in a row. :D Shall we try for a 4th tonight? Let's!

What I need to do, though, is put up her toddler bed. It's actually a 3-in-1 bed (crib, toddler, full size) that my dad and I bought for my nephew when he was born. He isn't using it currently, because he is using a twin bed (that was my grandfather's). I've been procrastinating... this doesn't feel like a fun chore. Oh wait, fun and chore don't really go together, perhaps that's why I haven't done it, yet. ;-)

Besides that, the other fun-filled excitement for this weekend is to organize my sewing room / 2nd bedroom.

No, I haven't gotten an update about the possible placement from my agency yet... bah.

I will post pics once I get things done! :) Because... well, I know just how exciting it is and how much everyone cares that I get these stupid chores done. ha! ;-)

Peace.

Pull-ups, and I don't mean exercise...

Lil M has not worn diapers in almost a year!! Woohoo! She has, however, worn pull-ups for night-time... She's not even worn these for pretty close to that year mark during the day.

Well, this week she seems to want to go pull-up-less at night. So, I'm letting her... She has had 2 out of 3 dry nights... and I'm hoping tonight goes well, too. :)

Now, hopefully, I've said this before... but Lil M just turned 3 in August, so I'm not too worried about the overnights... she seems more and more ready, though, and I will definitely encourage that!

The day was pretty good. Had my work review (6 month) and it went well. I have a great boss who seems to understand me pretty well. That's amazing for a change.

I called the agency to talk to someone about my fears of the placement... and they listened and encouraged me. But didn't push. That is always nice. I'm now waiting to see if the state will allow him to stay with me, regardless of my decision, until/unless I have the medical training they want. Thanks Beautiful Mess for the advice today!! :D You ROCK!

Oh, of course, MK... she's a great IRL friend... and very patient with me! God love ya! (actually, i have wonderful friends... of which...without you all, I'd go crazy!) oh wait, maybe I'm already there...

...so, I guess I should go clean the sewing room more now. but ... um, no. Off to beddy-by time! ;-)

Peace.

Yep, it's Wednesday

This week and last, I've been trying to figure myself out a little more and more. I haven't had any major revelations, yet, though. ;-)

I was presented with a potential placement (foster to adopt) yesterday and am not sure what I'm going to do yet. It is a 12 YO boy with type I diabetes (juvenile) and it's a little scary. At the same time, I feel like I should consider it, so I am. I have the option of taking him for a weekend to see how I might handle everything (without him knowing it would be a potential placement)...and if I do, I need to get the 2nd bedroom ready now!!

Oh, let's see... I bought some butternut squash this weekend when we went to the pumpkin patch, and I cooked 2 of the 3 of them. I think I might try to make a pie out of it tomorrow, but I need some evaporated milk. I know it isn't pumpkin, but it seems mild enough and might make an interesting pie. :) Who knows... or I might see about making a pumpkin (type) bread with it.

Peace.

Self-worth

So, have you ever thought about self-worth? I mean... people go on and on and on about love. Love others. Love yourself. Or not. But it's all about love.

And I mostly agree with that. Love is good. And it is certainly something I espouse to do. ;-)

But it has occurred to me recently that I don't feel so "worthy"... worthy of expressing my own needs and wants. Worthy of not only expressing them, but demanding them as an equal person among all of my friends and family and anyone else on the street. Yes. I am worthy. Not just lovable, but worthy.

And oddly, I've always felt like someone else's needs were more important than my own. Why? I don't know. This isn't even the 'mother' or 'woman' complex. It is really just a core feeling. Something I've felt since before I can even remember... and, yet, it is just not right. I mean, really. It is important to love other people. But it is also important to know and love yourself. And part of loving yourself is acknowledging what your own needs are and realizing that it is OK to have those needs. It is not being self-righteous or even selfish in the normal negative connotation. It is just realizing that you are equally as worthy as those you love and defend and take care of.

And when we put ourselves down and let other people lord over us, it is not good. I believe that is what it is, "Lording". Putting others before your own self is like putting them on some type of pedestal ... like they are better or greater than you and your own self and your own needs.

And that's exactly what I've done my entire life. Even when others can't see it, it's been my modus operandi (MO). And when others can't figure out my needs, then I get upset. Why can't they see it? ... well, they can't see it because they can't read minds and if I don't tell them, how do I expect that they will see it???

So, this is what I'm trying to learn... and it probably sounds super easy for some people. And those people would probably think me nuts for even bringing up the subject. But, I have to be honest with myself... I need to learn that I am worthy just for being me. I am good enough as is.

Isn't it interesting the things we learn as we grow up and how convoluted our self-perception can be? I would really prefer not to pass this learned behavior on to my daughter. So, I better figure out how to deal with it now! :)

Peace.

Reunion weekend

Here are a few pics from my reunion this past weekend. I had a great time getting to see all our classmates...




Peace.

Montessori School

I'm considering putting Lil M in Montessori school... but am not completely sure this would be beneficial for her. She is 3 and I think by next year she will likely be bored at daycare... even though it has "preschool" for a couple of hours each day. I just don't know that it is enough...

We went to a function the other night where there was a child a little older than Lil M (approx 3.5 years old) and he had a really rough time with his speech... he apparently doesn't know his colors or counting either or ABC's... Lil M, on the other hand, can count to 20, can say all her ABC's, knows a lot of colors (even colors like gray and silver), and can recognize most of her alphabet in writing (capital letters). I didn't think this was too much to ask of her, and am quite proud, of course, but it does make me wonder if she'll be bored with daycare soon.

Of course, then there is a "real" school schedule to deal with, like holidays and week long breaks and such.

Regardless, I'm going to keep teaching Lil M at home and if she's ahead of the other kids, so be it. ;-)

Peace.

I did it!

The last day of the month might just be a good day for me. :) When I adopted Lil M, my dossier was logged in on Oct 31.

Well, as of today, Sept 30, I'm licensed to be a foster parent in my state!!! Yeah!! And, actually, the goal is foster to adoption. So, let's see what happens.

Now, I wait for a placement. :) Oh, happy day!! I'm so excited!!!!

Peace.

Wordless Wednesday

ok, not totally wordless... first day we arrived home and Grampa was holding Lil M (at the aiport)

Peace.

Alpacas

We went to an Alpaca farm today to see our friend Amy, Becky and Eli.



We went later than I thought, because it's been a bit of a bad day. We did enjoy getting out and seeing the animals, though. She got to pet them, and at first thought they were horses. She really enjoyed running around the farm. Playing with a kickball and Becky.

They had teddy bears made of the alpaca fur... man, they were the softest I've ever felt. Expensive, so I didn't buy one, but really neat.

Peace.

Almost Certified or is that Certifiable?

I've got two more things to complete and I will be a fully certified, licensed foster parent. Let's see what happens from there.

Not much else to report here except that I'm still figuring out how, when, what to do about the addition of a second child (not necessarily the same thing/avenue as the foster parenting route, but maybe).

I tried to contact an agency here in the US and they never did send me an information packet. :( bah.

Lil M has been having fun with her paint set that she got awhile back. She seems to really like to color and draw. Or maybe it's that she likes to draw on herself, specifically. ;-) who knows. Looks like it's going to be more of the same this week, though, because it is so wet out. Rain all week... ugh!

Peace.

Birth Mother Question

I've stolen this post from Digging to China...(who got it from a Children's Hope Int'l newsletter) because, I too, believe this is one of the most wonderful posts about a birth mother discussion experience I've ever heard of.

"This is one of the most beautifully-written posts I've ever read on the topic of addressing the birthmother question with a young child. It's written by Jean MacLeod."

I wrote the beginning of this article several years ago, and have used it a few times in other places to describe the moment I realized I was parenting in deep water...

~ By Jean MacLeod

---

"Mommy, why didn't I grow in your tummy?"

I looked my three-year-old daughter square in the face and gave her the speech that I had rehearsed in my head for as long as she had been mine. The speech was short, gentle and sweet. I told her about her birthmother in China, how much she had been loved and how much we loved her now.

"But, Mommy, why didn't she keep me?"

I took a deep breath and explained that I didn't know for sure, but that it might have had something to do with the China rule about having only one child. I described a few other possibilities and ended with my proclamation of faith – that we were meant to be a family, that I was sure that her birthmother wanted her to have a family for always, and wasn't it wonderful that we had all found each other to love.

Coming down from my poetic rhetoric, I smiled winningly at the tiny figure in overalls and waited for my hug and kiss. What I got: a look of icy outrage, arms folded in haughty disbelief, and an attitude that screamed "what a load of c***!"

I was unnerved. This was supposed to be a mother-daughter bonding moment where we celebrated becoming a family. A moment of sadness was allowed, but then things were supposed to be joyful and loving. Why was I feeling like I had tried to tell a sixteen year-old there really was a Santa Claus? And how could a three year-old see through all of my carefully worded, positive explanations? I believed what I was telling her about her birthmother... why didn't she?

She didn't because she had lived her story and somewhere, deep inside, she knew the whole truth. My "old soul" little girl understood that a happy adoption is built on a heartbreaking loss long before I did, and she was cutting me no slack.

Clearly, my daughter's birthmother wasn't going to be explained away. I slowly realized that I would be living with a powerful ghost of another mother, and that this ghost needed to be acknowledged, embraced, and disarmed. My daughter needed some sort of a relationship with her birthmother, and she needed me to have an understanding with her birthmother, too.

So, I invited my daughter's unknown, invisible, Chinese birthmother to tea.

Properly, of course, with a formal invitation dictated to me by my three year-old. In the backyard, we set up a child-sized table with three place-settings: tea-cups, cookie plates, and party napkins. Another tea-cup was quickly added for a favorite stuffed mouse who was a late RSVP. Lemonade tea was rapidly dispensed (formalities like small-talk pale with the preschool set when real teapot pouring is allowed), and we got right down to business.

"So, birthmother," I said to the empty chair to my right. "How are you doing" I'm thinking you might be missing your little girl. I know she misses you.?

My daughter nodded, and I asked her if she had any questions for her birthmom.

"Why did you leave me?" she asked directly to the space occupying the third chair.

"Why did you leave her?" I echoed. "Was it because you couldn't care for a baby? Did you have "big person" problems? It was a very sad thing for your baby girl. I think it might have been a very sad thing for you, too."

My daughter nodded vigorously.

We continued to chat about our day, the vast amount of Oreos eaten by Mousie, and the birthmother's magical trip from China? But my daughter was unusually quiet.

"Is there anything else you would like to ask your birthmother?" I inquired, watching her carefully as I pretended to sip my tea. My daughter went completely still, and I guessed at what she needed to ask and what she needed to hear.

"Birthmother," I said. "We want you to know that you are always welcome in our home and in our hearts. You are part of our family. But your little girl is *my* little girl to raise, and she will live with me until she is big and is ready to leave. You cannot ever take her back to China. This is her home now, and I am her mom, and I love her very much."

Then I left my child-sized chair to put my arms around the little girl with the enormous feelings; it is overwhelming to deal with big grief and big relief at the same time. In voicing my daughter's secret hopes and fears I had validated her connection to two mothers, and had begun my own long process of learning to deal openly with the painful side of adoption parenting.

The ghost? She still lives with us, mostly peaceably, nearly ten years later. We've felt her genetic legacy, as my daughter leaped into puberty. We've seen visions of her in the mirror, as my daughter grows into a beautiful young woman. Our joint acceptance of the ghost gave my daughter some power over her past, and allowed me to view the birthmother as an ally, instead of an enemy, during times that adoption compounded the emotional turbulence of adolescence. The three of us exist together, but only I remember that the three of us once attended a symbiotical summit meeting in the garden, and that we officially sealed our forever relationships with a splash of tea, and cookies.

---

Copyright 2008, MacLeod, All Rights Reserved
Jean MacLeod is author of At Home in This World: a China Adoption Story, and co-editor of Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections and mother of three daughters, two of whom were adopted from China through Children's Hope. From one adoptive parent to another, Jean shares her wisdom here in the monthly e-news and in the annual Children's Hope Newsletter.

Thankful Thursday

I know somewhere out there someone does a Thankful Thursday post... I just don't remember where, lol, so I'm going to do my own. This is pretty normal thanksgiving for me. ;-)

I'm really thankful for my friends... it is really awesome when they have your back, no questions asked... for the little things and the big. I have great friends.

I'm also thankful for Lil M. Every day, I'm thankful for her.

You know, I've been reading some articles this week about corruption in adoption. Specifically, some adoptions in Ethiopia. :( But then, someone sent me some articles about China, too. So. In that vain, I'm very thankful for Lil M and I pray that her family in China is OK and there was no wrong doing. I don't believe there was, but, well, we may never know.

Peace.

Today we remember

I was sitting in a class with my co-workers 8 years ago this morning when everyone's beepers started going off. At first we thought it was nothing, but very quickly we realized that a NY tower had been hit. We all rushed to a conference room with a television and witnessed the tower falling. Then the 2nd tower was hit and fell.

Oh My God.

Silence.

Horror.

That day was a defining day in our history. And, may we always remember what our service men and women went through to keep us safe. May we always remember the volunteers, firemen and women, hospitals, police... EVERY ONE OF THEM. Every single person who helped, prayed and fought. I still pray and hope they have been able to move forward in their lives after that devastating day.

May God give us Peace.

Blessings.

Find other encouraging September 11 posts here.

Peace.

Swagbucks

So, I've posted before about a site called Cashbaq.com that I have been using this year. I really do like it, hence, it is linked on my blog. I've been reading about quite a few people using something called Swagbucks lately. So, I'm going to try it, starting today. Please feel free to try it along with me. :) Looks like it is legitimate.

Here's my referral code if you're interested:

Referral Code

Looks like you get points for doing searches and things. Those add up to prizes. I promise to post if this turns out to be a dud, but so far, I've heard/read good things!!

Peace.