Calmer

For the past week or so, the home-front has been fairly calm. Thank God. Work, however, has been stressful... and so, I've been focusing on that. We had a fairly quiet weekend in anticipation of my nephew coming to stay for this week. Then his father did a crappy thing and kept him when he wasn't supposed to have him in the first place. So, nephew doesn't get to go to football camp. :(

T went to her first Dr appt on the 14th and she was fine. She is due somewhere around Jan 17 or 19th. I think she was glad I went with her to her appt... and I hope that she continues to want me there. Frankly, if it were me... I wouldn't want to go alone. She does have BF, but he won't be at all of the appts... After saying for a couple of weeks she wanted to leave as soon as she turns 18, she has calmed down and seems more like her normal self... she even asked to move Lil M's baby bed into her room, so I let her. I think it gave her a little sense of control.

Lil M is doing well... she's been a little more moody the past couple of weeks, but I don't know if that's typical toddler-ish stuff, or a little leftover from my trip. Either way, she's mostly excellent, as usual. :D

We all went grocery shopping tonight. They are both big helpers when we do that. We went to breakfast on Sunday morning and then did a little shopping that day, too. Oh, and I set up my sewing 'area' in the living room. Kind of a nice feeling to have that set up again. :)

Still praying about/for work. Mine and everyone else's. Definitely a stressful time.

Peace.

family day!!!

Happy, Happy, Happy 3 year family day anniversary to me and my Lil M (technically, it is the 19th now..)



Yeah!!!


Peace.

Update

Things here are going ok, but it's been a pretty stressful week. Lil M and I are doing well. She's glad Mommy's home. T is even doing a bit better... though, it didn't appear that way when I first picked her up from respite. Praying things continue in a good way there.

I've had laryngitis most of the week, along with a cough. So, today I'm going to the Dr to see if she thinks it warrants antibiotics or not.

Things at work feel shaky and I'm hoping that also starts to get better soon.

Prayers welcome... :)

Peace.

back to it

Back to work today, and the real world! I don't think Lil M took a nap today, as she was clingy and kind of cranky tonight... but we got through it. She's sleeping in my bed again tonight. I'm ok with that, since I was gone for a week. That's got to feel really long to a 3 year old, don't ya think?

We got to have dinner with our very good friends the MK's... and that was nice!! I actually almost felt like myself afterward. I'm going to try to get some rest tonight. Please pray I do.

I talked to the foster mom who has T right now... and asked her for one more day. She was OK with that. She is apparently having trouble with her teen, too. We're going through eerily (sans pregnancy) the same issues. Sadly, that is comforting to me!! (sorry Toni! lol) I send the agency a note today and asked what the options are for teens during the day. Obviously, not many. :( So, when she gets back, she's looking for a job. If she can't find one... then, I guess I'll have to make a decision. I think what really disturbed me was the fact that two boys showed up yesterday with no phone call or anything... that means (to me) that she's had boys over when I'm not here... or they would know better.

Anyway, the day was fairly long... but OK. Glad to be winding down now. :)

Peace.

home

I had a long, but good week away at a conference this past week, as y'all know. I didn't have a whole lot of time to soul-search, so I'm still feeling quite stressed, overwhelmed about the T situation. Right before I left, all she seemed to want to do was get herself in trouble.

Today, I got the sweetest email from a fellow SMBC and friend. The nicest part for me was that she wasn't judgmental because I'm feeling like giving up. She said she'd pray for me and the situation. And that she tells her own daughter that when something is hard they can still do it.

I'll admit, this has become hard for me. I'm not an "experienced parent of a teenager". I'm not a pro. I'm not sure I'm even good at this. I just wanted to parent - to expand my family...which doesn't feel like it's really happened here. I can give stability and that's about all at this moment. I'm having a hard time being encouraging or even think encouraging thoughts right now. It is unfortunate, yes. But the thing is, no one else is walking in my shoes. And I don't feel like I have a huge amount of support I need.

Yes, my friends and family are amazing. They are encouraging and have my back. But none of us has done this before. And I *know* logically the reasons (possibly) behind some of T's actions... but then that sticky thing called emotion gets in the way. And I haven't been dealing with it all as well as I should be able to. I'm not perfect. I'm not a saint. I'm not a god. I'm just an ordinary human being who was/is trying to help in some way. And it is hard. Maybe too hard?

Part of my issue is that I feel like I have stress coming from all sides... work and home. And, when I started all this, I only had home stress... not work stress, too. And I desperately need my job and to keep a roof over our heads. Work is hard right now. It just is. So, if I can't get this emotional crap under control... I might need to take a break. But then I read C's email. And she said that she tells her daughter that they can do 'hard'... and that I'm an inspiration (which makes me want to cry, because I don't feel very inspirational at all).

What I do feel like is that people thought I was crazy for starting this foster stuff. And now that I"m having a tough time, they act like it is just easy-peazy... that I should just be able to walk right through it with no difficulty. I can hear their disappointment. Well, it wasn't easy to start and it isn't easy to be in it either. (for the record, I asked for a younger child...)

Just now, two boys showed up unannounced at the door asking for T. Which sort of makes me angry... because, that means they probably come over when I'm not here (which is like rule number 1 at my house - no one in the house when I'm gone). Oh well. She's a teen, right? I should have expected all this, right? I shouldn't let it get to me, right? Well, I'm a human being... and feeling like a failure. Right or wrong, that's how I feel. Her actions don't reflect on me, because she wasn't with me for the first 17 years.

But the problem is that she rejects me daily. I'm having a hard time separating her behaviors and what they stem from (in her past), and her rejection of me and our little family. She doesn't want to be here. I know that. And logically, I understand. This is a vent... and I'm trying to work through the feelings part. They've taken over. It's just much easier when I can be logical about all of it and not let the feelings get in the way. The problem is... then I'd be a robot.

As I've mentioned before... before you judge me for my feelings, perhaps you should try to walk in my shoes. Otherwise, could you please send up a prayer and send me some good vibes... maybe I'll be able to get through this. If not... well, I tried.

On top of it, I was gone for a week. I had a lot of emotions dealing with that. All is well with Lil M. It is good to be home and we seem to be OK (except she's not been giving me as much eye contact, but she does seem to want to be with me a lot, which is good). The conference was amazing. I learned a little and got to generally be my techie self... which is what I need to find more of - myself. That was a good lesson this week. I need to figure out how to balance things better when it comes to being Lil M's Mommy... T's foster-mom, and my own self - a Woman with a career and life of my own... Some things I can do are ... get a sitter once every couple of weeks and have some "me" time. Use the respite care for T, that's what it's designed for (I hadn't because I wanted to use some days for this long week away)... start taking classes again or study for a certification. Oh, and run.

I am used to having a lot of goals, and lately I feel like I'm just sitting behind the 8 ball. I feel like I have no control. So, I think I need to sit down and make a list of more goals for myself. And myself alone. Take back some control and not just be 'reactive'. I think this is all more important now more than ever... especially since I've been so stressed. Control what I can, let the rest go, right?

Maybe I'll try to write some goals down tonight.

Peace.

first trip

I leave for my first business trip away from home this weekend, since being home with Lil M 3 years ago. Tonight is my last night with her for a few days. This is killing me. Wow. :( Now, she will be in the next best hands... my Sis. I have absolutely no worries there. I'm sure they'll have fun. But, I don't like being away from her. Let's see how this goes.

On the other hand... it'll be good to get away from the other stressors ... too many to name.

I'm mostly packed, and will double-check everything in the morning. T is going to respite care and so Sis won't have to worry about her for a few days. Though, she might get her early next week, we'll see. Personally, I think it would be best if only Lil M stays with Sis this time around...

T has said more than once lately she's leaving when she's 18. Right this moment, feeling as stressed as I am... I feel like that might just work out ok (for me, selfishly)... but I have no idea how she'll make it through everything if she does. So, feel free to send up prayers for my sanity, clear judgment, and T and her decisions.

Mostly... I need some prayers for this week and for Lil M and I. I love that girl with all my heart, and can't stand to be away. I hope she has fun, but misses me, too.

Peace.