Not surprised

It took my last foster less than one week (4 days, actually) to be asked to leave her current foster home. Apparently, they talked to her first foster mom (this go around) and were afraid for her to be in their home, lest she hear something she would try to use against them... They didn't want to be afraid to speak in their own home.

Good for them, I say.

I'm recuperating from the week. It was my last week of class for the summer, and I'm praying I got a B... it wasn't a tough class at all, but the timing was a bit rough. If he liked my paper, I might even eek out an A. :) Quiz grades were lower than they should have been, but I was a bit preoccupied the past few weeks. Oh well.

Lil M is doing well. She definitely needs some concentrated Mommy time. We went to the aquarium yesterday with Torrie, baby Gabe, Kamren and us. It was fun. :) Spendy for sure, but fun. Then we went to the park and let them run around for a bit, to the grocery and home. Nice day, even with the studying and quizzes due.


Today, is "relax" day. Though, we'll go see the gma and Baby B for a little bit for a playdate. Hoping that goes well.

Peace.

Lessons Learned

Baby B has moved to her grandma's house for good. The three weeks we had to do a transition was difficult and not a transition at all. The reason why is because B's mom came to stay with us. That was awful. Well, it started out rough, then I thought got better, but was awful at the end.

The mom was only at my house so she could spend time with B. She didn't want to be there. And she has issues... one of which is lying and sneakery. For example, she likes to record people's conversations without them knowing, so if she can find a way to use it against them, she will. She also lied about several fairly big things (ie., talking to her ex, when there is a no-contact order).

Well, as of Monday evening, the mom left. Baby B left Sunday night. The mom disregarded her curfew (specific amt of hours she was allowed non-supervised time a day), both on Friday and Sunday. Then she didn't go to the foster office on Mon, like she was supposed to. All because she was upset about B going to gma's. I understood, but there are always consequences... to which she replied that she's 20 and not 12, so there wouldn't be consequences.

She was ready for a fight on Mon evening and at one point even got right up in my face (about 1/2" away from my face, even) and acted like she was going to hit me. She had already made up her mind she was leaving. And she did. The story is much more than that, but suffice to say... I'm relieved.

This may mean I don't get to see B like I thought. But that's OK. I did what I could and now it is time to move on from this particular situation. Which is highly unfortunate. But, I guess that's life.

I learned that there are people who are really all about drama and finding ways to get other people in trouble... to try to cover up their own flaws and problems. It is exhausting, actually. I'm not perfect, but sheesh. Being recorded and tattled on over every little thing... most of which wasn't even true or blown way out of proportion... is beyond what I can handle.

I do ask God's forgiveness (more understanding, really) for not being able to help more and for not being able to figure this one out. Especially, for not giving it a full chance... but mostly for not listening and reacting in a gentler manner. I was pretty gentle, but not enough. For example, when the mom texted me and said "push my buttons, please!" I decided a face-to-face might actually be better. But that just made things worse. I should have just walked away for a bit and attempted to let her calm down. I am not sure it would have worked, but it is something I could have tried.

I was trying to protect my own family and self by not giving it a full chance. I didn't think it would last past Baby B leaving, and I was right. But still. I'm hoping this was a one-off and that I can continue to help.

But the other thing I learned during this process is that my agency ... well, they were hugely disappointing. They've worked with this girl before and said they wouldn't buy into her BS, but that didn't seem to be the case. They were FULL of DRAMA this entire time, too, and that is just ridiculous. They were also mean and rude. I'm not sure how much I want to work with them in the future because of all this.

I also learned that I did like having a 2nd child in the house... not the mom, but Baby B. My hopes aren't quite shattered of expanding expanding our little family one day. (If it happens, great. If not, I do know I'm SUPER BLESSED to have Lil M.) ...But I don't think it'll happen this way, through this agency. So, I've got to think about what I want to do next.

Peace.

Long short week

The past few weeks have been quite busy and long for us here. B's mom came to live with us as of last Thursday. It's been an adjustment to say the least. I've been quite stressed. But when I take a step back and look at it a little more objectively, it hasn't been that bad.

There is definitely a different dynamic in the house now, and B's mom is doing more parenting. We kind of share the parenting, but I'm trying to let her parent. I only showed my frustration with her one time this week, and I think that's probably good considering the big change for us all!

I think Lil M does understand that B will be leaving, but she thinks she'll go live with her mom. Instead, B will be going to live with her grandma until/unless her mom can get her stuff together and get custody back.

I hadn't heard from Torrie in a few weeks, and that was bumming me out. But, she finally wrote me this week and is going to hang out with me and Lil M tonight while B&B go to Baby B's gma's house. That'll be nice. I'm proud of her because she graduated high school. :) Now, just gotta get her motivated to get work or go onto college.. preferably both! lol. But it'll probably be work. Looks like I might keep baby Gabe tomorrow night, too. :)

So, it's going to be another long (busy) weekend. I'll give you an idea of what I mean...

drop B&B off at B's gma's house 6:pm-ish tonight
go pick up Torrie and the baby
dinner
hangout/shop
take T/baby home

tomorrow morning - 10am take Lil M to a festival with Auntie E for E's bday
4pm, pick up Brit (leave baby B there til Sunday)
5pm dinner with E and friends
Sometime tomorrow pick up or have Gabe dropped off...

sunday - Baby B comes home at 6pm
Gabe goes home sometime... likely noon or 1pm.
homework/cleaning/laundry/playing with Lil M/veg out.... get ready for work on Monday

On a normal weekend, we have to take/pick up B from her gma's house because of visitation. This week has been more work because her mom came to stay. And then Torrie called. And it is Ellen's birthday. And, and, and... lol

Baby B will go live with her grandma by June 17, maybe before. Her mom has the option to stay with us for awhile... but I'm not sure yet what she will do. It would be good if she could stay. But she has to make her own decision. Once we get through this transition into the home and B leaves, I do think it'd be easier for her and I... the longest she'd be with us would be next February. Otherwise, she could leave at any time. If that happens, I might take a short break again... so I can take Lil M on a vacation and such. :)

Peace.

It isn't easy

Anyone who thinks fostering is easy... ok, wait, somehow I doubt anyone actually thinks that, right? But just in case there is, let me tell you... fostering isn't easy.

This week starts the beginning of B's weekend overnight visits with her grandparents. This is in preparation for her to go live with them at the end of May. :( I cannot say I'm not disappointed... I'm quite a bit heartbroken, actually. I guess I had hoped in the back of my mind (and not so far back) that she might get to stay with me longer. But it really doesn't seem likely now. Unless somehow the gparents mess something up between now and then. But even if that happens, the judge will give them quite a bit of leeway I guess.

Even though I know/knew this, it doesn't make it hurt less. She was never "mine", I'm just a temporary care-giver for her. But it is interesting just how fast you can grow to love a little person! It does feel like she's part of my family, but I know that's somewhat superficial. *I* believe she is, but the world says otherwise.

The thing is. Even though this is hard, I do believe that this is what I am supposed to be doing for now. Seems to be one of my "gifts" that I can share my life with a child and help them along their way, even if it is temporary. But, boy, does it suck some days. If I knew that, I don't know that I would have volunteered my heart like that... I know that sounds kind of stupid, but I guess I thought I could let them go with no pain. That I could keep it completely about their needs and not my own. But that's the funny thing, isn't it? God told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. I have needs to, and need to recognize that. The love that I give, I may/can/hope to get in return. I guess I wasn't expecting that.

I can already see and feel where the void will be when B leaves us. And it truly makes me sad. I've been praying and thinking about adopting a 2nd child for over 4 years now. I always said I wanted to adopt again so Lil M would have a sibling. But the reality that I've found is that adopting another child would be as much for Me, Lil M, and the child all together. And I'm at a place where I am liking the idea of having a 2nd for the relationship I would have with the child, too. Yes, I know, it was odd to want a 2nd for Lil M to have a sibling... we all learn in our own ways, huh?

So this may actually be the time to look into that again, apart from fostering. I'm not leaving fostering, I just need to figure out if I can actually go ahead and add to my family.

Peace.

fostering

I haven't written much lately because I'm not sure what all to say...wheels are still turning around here... it's been a very, very rainy spring here. Fostering a 2.5 year old is much different than the 17YO from last year, of course. And here are some of my thoughts/feelings about that.

First, I have enjoyed both experiences for different reasons. I was kind of surprised I liked fostering a teen. She is a good girl, even though she has her own issues (don't we all). The thing that kind of makes me sad at this point is that she doesn't seem to like Lil M as much as I thought she did earlier on... maybe that is because she is more into her Baby G now... or, well, I have no idea. I do know that Lil M still considers her a sister and I like that. T has always been good with Lil M, I'm not saying anything like that. She is going to graduate, which I'm extremely happy about. Let's see where her next chapter leads.

B is my 2.5YO and it has been a blessing to be able to have a little one in the house with us. Yes, I've gotten attached, as has she with me. Her Mamaw (gma) said as much in the past few days. My response was that it is better to be attached than not. Even if that means pain for me later.

Dealing with her family can be somewhat trying at times. They are nice enough people, don't get me wrong, it's just that the gma wants custody of B... and can be a little catty with me at times. I do know she likes me, but is in a difficult position. I think she "wants" B because she feels obligated "she's family"... but what B needs is a Mommy...

I do know that the goal is always reunification. I am not even saying that I have a right to B. But I can't help believing and praying that I am the right choice for now and hope that continues. I like parenting her and I wish she could stay as long as possible. I love seeing her progress. I love tucking her in at night. I love it that Lil M and she get to be sisters.

Of course, it is a bit scary how this all might affect Lil M in the long run. I hope and pray that I am making the right decisions for the both of us. I want her to know that we help people because we can. And that it is the right thing to do. And that God loves us, so shall we love each other.

Selfishly, I wish B could stay with us forever. And I pray for God's guidance and gentleness with my heart no matter if she gets to or not (likely not). I also pray for T and that we continue to be family. I do love her, too. And of course, I have the best daughter in the world in Lil M. Thank you Lord.

Peace.

Busy busy

We've had a fairly busy month around here. Lil M is still in gymnastics and seems to enjoy that. :) I like it for her, too. I'm trying to decide what else I might put her in for the summer... dance or something else. Not sure. I think Kindergarten will be good for her in the fall. She's ready.

Baby B is still with us for now. I'm not sure how long that'll continue, but I'm thankful she's still here. It has been 5 weeks today since the court hearing and I'm not sure how much longer it'll take for the g-parents to get custody. I wish she could just stay with me. But I know the rules.

Work has been great. I like my new role and have been here now almost a month. It feels like longer. I'm in the process of trying to get a couple of resources hired and have been learning about our products and the current staff.

I'm still taking classes this semester and those will be done in a few weeks. IF I can manage the summer class, I'll be done with my Masters Certificate like I want... or it might have to wait til fall. I'm hoping to be completed with my degree sometime next year, but we'll see how much/fast I can get it done. I really want to get that class done in the summer, if at all possible. But it might mean getting a sitter each week for 6-8 weeks. that's a tough one. :(

Life here is really good and it's fairly normal. Meeting new people means sometimes feeling like sharing family stuff... which means, explaining and correcting when they say inconsiderate things. But I'm learning to take it less personally... but I do feel like I need to explain that "I've had my own child"... even though she didn't come from my body.

A friend of mine was just diagnosed with colon cancer. PLEASE send up prayers for peace and healing. Sis is still looking for a job and prayers for her would be great, as well.

Peace.

new digs

I started a new job this week, that is perm rather than consulting. It's been a nice transition and I'm excited about the opportunity. I have my own office now and a nice looking team. This was a promotion for me, and it does feel like it. :) I've still been just a bit stunned all week that I got the job and am really hope to do it justice. I have a staff of 6 onsite, 3 offshore and one Manager and her reports in another state. I will need to travel 2 or 3 times this year, but am hoping I can take Lil M with me. Perhaps, Sis. :) (though, she doesn't know that yet, lol... and totally depends on her job situation, too)

Baby B's gma heard today that the state will let her know today (supposedly) if she is approved. Then she has to have her son's lawyer sign some paperwork to get it approved, too. Then Baby B will go live with them. Prayers around this situation would be nice.

Lil M came home the other day and told me she could spell her name backwards... and she did - both first and last name. And, she spelled Mommy backwards, too, almost perfectly... wow.

I haven't been feeling so well since Wed., but think I might be moving out of that now. There's going to be the final 4 games on this weekend and I plan to stay home and watch the basketball games. :) UK is in it this time and that's pretty cool. I'd like to see them win the whole thing. Let's see... Peace.

No cool title is coming to me

This past week has been pretty busy. T asked me to take baby G overnight this weekend, so I did. I was a little surprised, since they came and spent the night last weekend. This time it was just Gabe.

I had a migraine.
We did a family visit with Baby B's gma.
March madness.

The migraine lasted all Friday and most of Saturday. Then had a headache Sunday. So, it was pervasive. :( blah. I missed a lot of games because I just couldn't take it. I also didn't study. I also missed a concert I'd been wanting to go to and had even gotten a sitter for!! :( But there was no way i could have handled that much noise the way my head hurt. Ugh. Hate that.

Gabriel turned 2 months old today. Wow. Too soon to tell how they are all really doing, but I'm glad that T is still talking to me and wanting to spend some time with us.

I love March Madness. I'm weird, but I do. I was excited about the games this weekend (no, I don't watch all of them), but then didn't get to see much at all. Maybe 2 or 3 games total. Oh well, there's always this weekend!!

Sunday evening we did a visit with Baby B's 'mamaw'. It went pretty well... and I could tell that B knew who she was, wanted to be with her and kept asking for her Papaw. It was tough on me, though, 'cause I realized that she will be going there and I'm going to miss her a lot. After the visit, B was a bit more whiny and needed a lot more reassurance that I was still there. Two nights in a row, actually. I'm OK with giving the extra reassurance. I just wish she didn't have to go through all this.

Two other things of note... Lil M did, in fact, get into the school system I wanted her to go to in the fall. I'm pretty excited about that. We received the confirmation letter last Friday.

I start my new job on Monday and am very excited about that, too. This is a promotion for me, and I'm still doing the happy dance. :D

Last week was also "spring break" from school for me. This week, however, is JAM packed with homework, a paper, a synopsis, a quiz and an exam!!!! Yikes!!

........

On a huge downer note, though ... someone that was part of our lives for many years passed this past weekend. She left behind a young child. I'm praying for her and her family this week.

For the rest of us... please be good to yourself and to your children. Life may be difficult, but it is worth living.

Peace.

grandparents

I got the news today that Baby B will likely go live with her grandparents when they get approved. It could be a few days, or a few weeks. Yes, I'm bummed. But I do know that God is faithful and answers my prayers. The Lord of Hosts will not only be with me and Lil M, but Baby B, as well. I pray for her on her journey, regardless of how much longer she has with me and Lil M. I thank God for every day we've had to be with Baby B and I hope we've been able to give her even the tiniest bit of stability and comfort along her way.

Of course, if something changes and she is able to say... I'd say Amen and Amen.

As for me, I've been given a new job opportunity and am excited about that. I will know more later this week, but should be able to start before the end of the month.

Lil M has been doing really well with sharing and being the big Sis. I know she's been wondering when Bri will go, but I also think she is going to miss having her around. I know I will for sure. She is such the big girl, and is just getting so confident with her gymnastics and stuff. She is learning how to be a good role model to younger kids, and I'm proud of her. :) She is my joy, for sure.

Also, T and baby Gabe came to see us Friday and stayed until Saturday evening. It was great. I know Lil M enjoyed having them here and getting to hold the baby. T is doing OK... I'm hoping she'll get back to her school here this week and graduate in June as planned. I worry, but am hoping if she needs me she'll let me know. She sort of did this weekend... said that she told Scrunch that if she wanted to come stay she would... that she "did live here for a year" ... and basically, that did mean something to her. Of which, you have NO idea how thankful I am. I mean that. I was so excited about the baby and she kept saying... I wasn't givin him up for anything... and I said, of course I'm not!!! :) Mamaw has to hold the baby... that's my job. :D

Lord God, I love my life and thank you every single minute for it.

Peace.

Reunification goal

In foster care reunification is always the goal. So says my SW for this case. In other words, don't get too attached Melissa. Okey dokey. Got it.

Basically, what she was saying is that the mom will likely get her act together and get Baby B back in the next few weeks. Of course, she's got to get visitation back first. So, we shall see. Of course, I think that if the mom can actually get her stuff together and parent, then B should go home. I'm concerned for her long-term situation, but I have no control and have to just give it up to God.

Baby B has been sick since last Friday. She seemed better Sunday, but Monday she had another fever of 101 and I took her to urgent care to get checked out. She is definitely sick...and on antibiotics for 10 days. sheesh.

Lil M is good, and asking when B will be going home. lol. I've been just frankly exhausted this week. It's work regardless, and add illness on top of it ... made for a very long week. Lil M gets to go to Cinderella with her Auntie E tonight. Tomorrow she has a birthday party and gets to go to a makeup class for her gymnastics, since we missed it on Mon due to the Dr and pharmacy stuff.

As for me, I had to take two online exams last weekend for class. Also have to work on a simulation daily for the same class. Then there's regular work. LOL. Oh, and still no TV. :( Really sick of not having a TV. It is work to do my class-work, but it gives me something to do after they go to bed, since I have no TV right now. One more class after this and I'll have a Masters Certificate on my way to completing my degree. :) I like that.

So, my plan tonight and tomorrow... REST. That's my one and only goal. I have fantascially great friends who are going to treat Lil M to some fun stuff... that way I can have one at home and have a chance to get some rest. I can't wait. I want Lil M to have some fun this weekend... it was a long week.

Oh, and T wrote me last night for the first time in over 2 weeks. I hope we can see her and G soon.

Peace.

A week and a day

Baby B has been with us for a week and a day now. Last night, she got sick and threw up all over my cousin Hannah after a book signing we went to, oh my!! :( I've been getting used to having two kids with me all week. Last weekend, Lil M was sick all Saturday and this week it's been Lil B. Poor thing. She seemed better when she went to bed, even her fever was down, thank goodness.

A lot has happened this week. I've had school, an exam, a daily simulation for one of my classes and we also hung out with friends this week.

B's mom has called or texted every day, but hasn't been to visit since last Sunday. Because of her age, she was given the opportunity to come live with us and get herself back on track, but she said she didn't want to. Today, however, when she called, she told me that she wants to. So, who knows. I do know it is in a child's best interest to be with their biological parent, but sometimes... well, sometimes I just wish those parents would have the ability to do right by their children. If that means not parenting, then they should make that decision. If it means parenting, then step up. Do whatever it takes. I just don't see that in some of these folks, though. And I have that fear here.

I know that I'm just fostering here, but I won't lie and say I didn't wish that I had the opportunity to adopt in this situation. I do pray for Baby B and whether she's here or ends up back with her Mom that she is well taken care of and has a great life.

Yes, it's only been a week, but I already worry about her. All I can do is give it up to God and be here for her now.

I got Lil M a new 'cat cat' for Valentine's day (she calls it cat cat because that's what B calls Manna). I got B a moose... who we call... moose. :) Lil M has Meow and Monkey, and now B has Moose and her own Monkey, too.

So back to last night. We went to a book signing, which was cool. I worked all day, then made the girls PB sandwiches and drove to meet Hannah. The parking lot was completely full and it took me awhile to get us in there to meet her. I was definitely feeling a bit off keel because of having both of them instead of just Lil M. Not in a bad way, just in a new Mom kinda way... Hannah was great and a huge help!! I can't imagine she really enjoyed our chaos, but I was glad to get out and see her and I did enjoy myself (even with the chaos).

The funniest thing that happened was when we walked in the door a lady walked up to me and asked me if I was Melissa and I said... yes... she said she follows my blog!!! I said, oh my gosh, I feel like a celebrity!!!! ROFL. What are the odds of being recognized from a blog, I wonder? ;-)

After we got our books signed, we went to Starbuck$. Had some tea... talked and talked... B fell asleep on Hannah... and then, ca-blam!! Sick as a dog. I was so stunned... I just stood there like a freak not knowing what exactly to do... grabbed some napkins, but that wasn't doing the trick. A lady from another table got a towel, thank goodness... and then B completely... well, let's just say we had to throw that towel away. It was BEYOND GROSS. :( Poor Hannah was right in the middle of all of it. Blech. I would never make a good nurse. She, on the other hand, was a trooper!!! Calm, not unnerved by any of it. I was horrified. Even when Lil M got sick last weekend, somehow I was able to avoid the huge nastiness, but not this time. Thankfully, it only happened once. And not in my car!!!! THANK YOU GOD. But it was bad enough driving 15 min home... I can't imagine how she felt driving an hour! Maybe someday we'll have a good laugh over this, but right now... blech. lol I washed her sweater 3 times already, but I'm thinking I might have to get her a new one!

OK, enough of the grossness that was. I have another exam to take this weekend... tons of cleaning... and i'm feeling a bit nauseous myself, plus I've had a raging headache all week. Which included a migraine the other night. :( Did I mention it was a long week?

Thankfully, we're all hanging in there, though. :)

Peace.

Weekend and ahead

This past weekend was definitely different than I had planned! Baby B is getting settled in and is doing well, so far. She's not potty trained, but is training and did better last night than she had all weekend. Oddly, she'll go number 2 in the potty, but not 1. She finally did both last night in the potty!! I'm not trying to push her, but her Mom says she's potty trained, so I feel like I need to try to offer it to her a few times a day.

Interestingly, when her Mom came to visit, B cried a lot. Part of it, I'm sure is that she misses her Mommy. The odd part was that her Mom couldn't seem to get her to sit on the potty or do anything that I've been able to get her to do all weekend. I'm not sure why that happened. But I'm just paying attention to their interactions.

I was able to distract her when her mom left and get Baby B to bed somewhat reasonably. I'm just trying to follow the same routine I've always followed with Lil M and it seems OK so far!!

Today, I hope to hear something more about the Mom and what my agency's idea is. They had suggested she move in with me... but I need more information before I commit to that. This is why I might only have Baby B for a very short period of time. I am considering it, but not sure what is going to happen yet.

I can see improvements even after a couple of days with B's speech. She said "tinker bell" plain as day yesterday... and when her mom came over she was surprised that B could say that! It was a first, I guess. I can tell that the mom doesn't use full sentences and the techniques I use when I talk to children. Which is ok, but different. So, B is getting used to my directives and such. She's really doing great. :)

Please send up some prayers about how this situation might work out. For Lil M, me and Baby B, too. Lil M asked if B was going to stay with us for awhile, and I said that she probably would... then she said, will she go away sometime, and I said that was likely, too. So, part of it, I've got to make sure Lil M is ok....

Peace.

Another foster

I received a call on Friday to take a foster in who is just 2 years old. She is the child of one of the 20 YO independent living girls who isn't following the rules, I guess. The SW brought her over last night. She's a cutie. We'll call her Baby B here... :)

Lil M seems to be adjusting fairly well, so far! I hope that continues and that she doesn't get too upset here soon, when she realizes that Baby B might be around for a little while. Speaking of which, I do not have any clue of how long she might be here. It could be a few days, weeks or months. She is sleeping in T's old room and doing pretty well.

Lil M woke up not feeling well today. She started with a bit of a congested cough that turned into a fever and then getting sick twice before noon. :( My poor baby. I HATE it when she is sick. Thankfully, it doesn't happen that often. We had to miss the valentine's day party at the gymnastics place today because of it. I was bummed. We had lots of plans for today, all of which changed when she got sick. But it turned out to be a good day, anyway. Just different.

My friend MK brought Lil M an easel from a big store up the way. She also brought us some crackers and bread... and my friend Devi brought the girls Valentine's that she was going to give them today and some clothes and juice. My friends are lifesavers.

Baby B had one bag of clothes. So, I went through Lil M's stuff to see what else might fit. I did find a few things. I could use some prayers for my heart for this one... I have a feeling we'll all get attached here fairly quickly and if she stays awhile, then it'll be hard to see her go. But I do realize this is a foster placement and I have to try to guard my heart a little bit.

One concern I have for her, actually two... is, her verbal skills are not very good for her age, and she has no qualms about calling me Mommy. Though, we've been trying to get her to call me Mimi, so it sounds similar but not quite the same. She's calling me both. I don't want to offend her Mom, nor do I want to confuse her. Some say she's too young to know the difference, but I believe that even at 2 yo (and 4 months), she should *know* who her Mommy is and that I'm just a caregiver right now. I do not know their attachment situation.

Anyway, all is well here. Though, I'm tired! :)

Peace.

To the woman who took our pictures yesterday...

Dear woman who took our picture yesterday at the CNY festival... no, the little caucasian child who was with me and my daughter was not my daughter. So, it might have seemed like I was playing favorites with the little Asian child who IS mine... and thank for taking pics of them together. :) But we didn't need a "family" pic of the 3 of us. LOL.

Ok, so she did finally realize that Tiff wasn't mine... but it took actually saying, no she's not my daughter and not just 'Tiff, why don't you wait until your Mommy comes over" for her to get it!! I did find it kind of funny, actually. She didn't know... but, I just kept thinking... this Poor woman must think I'm the EVIL mother who doesn't want a picture with BOTH kids!!! That somehow I was favoring Lil M. Well... I was. ;-) but not in that kind of bad way!



Which brings me to the topic of the overall weekend. Saturday we went with our friends D&T to a Chinese symphony and dance performance. That was fun. Though, the girls (both 4 yo) didn't really like the symphony part after intermission... by then, they were getting kind of antsy. But we had a very nice time!

Before the concert T and the baby and her BF's nephew (K) came over to see us for awhile. That was a huge surprise. We all have pizza before I took them home and us going to the concert. It was a big, but very enjoyable day. Baby G is adorable and he was a whole week old on Sat!! T did fess up to the fact that she now realizes how much formula is and how many diapers she's already gone through... I hope she calls again sometime to come visit.

Yesterday, we went with D&T to the CNY festival. The girls got to walk in a Dragon Parade and color and watch dancers... play games... get pics taken ... and EAT. The food was plentiful and yummy. The girls wore Chinese dresses and were just adorable, of course. :D "D" is Japanese-American, but her daughter looks Caucasian (from her hubbies side)... and people tend to put D and Lil M together and me and Tiff together... it's ok. We understand. :) But Lil M is MINE. Not giving her up for anything! LOL.

Happy Chinese New Year (week... CNY is Feb 3, goes from Feb 2-17 total)

Peace.

baby baby

Here are a couple of pics from my phone the other night. Lil M was SO VERY proud to get to hold the baby.


T said something a bit disturbing today about how she "let" me come to the hospital while he was being born... you'd have to read her texts to get it, I think... but I'm not so sure now that she wanted me there... it's either that, or her hormones... I just don't know. (she wanted her medical card... for WIC and said was i going to pay for the baby's formula... blah blah... 'cause she was mad... as usual lately.) Anyway, I tried... and that's all I can do. I will continue to try too... if I can. Plus, send up prayers.

Lil M went to gymnastics tonight for the first time. It looked like she was having a blast!!! I've been wanting to get her into it, and after MK2's bday party success this weekend, and then talking to my friend Devi who has her daughter in gymnastics... she suggested we come out to where they go! And we got super lucky and got a spot in this Mon night class!! I'd say that's much more fun than going to my class this semester (which I dropped before even getting her in to this one). I'm glad it worked out. :) I'm SO excited for her! I think this might be the one thing we stick with for awhile... we'll see.

I was going to try to get her into dance again, but we have to wait til summer. I am also scoping out music teachers to see if I can get her into beginner toddler lessons for piano or violin. Which is proving somewhat difficult because most don't want to teach unless they are 6 or older. bah. But I think it would be great for Lil M. :) We love music!!

Peace.

Oh Baby

Baby Gabriel was born on January 22, 2011, at 12:56 AM. I was there. I am glad I got to be there... He is perfect... 8lbs 4.8 oz and 21" long. T did great. The BF kept telling me not to come, but then he was fine when I got there.

It was a very long weekend. I got the call at 9pm Friday night from her grandmother (Mary). She wanted me to take her and Penny to see T, which I did end up doing Saturday. Well, Mary, anyway. So, after I dropped Lil M off to stay at MK's house for awhile... I went to the hospital. T was getting her epidural about that time. She was fully dilated about 10:30pm but needed to get him to turn over... about midnight they got her setup and let her start pushing. I guess she pushed for maybe 45 minutes. She did amazingly well. Scrunch, myself and T's sister helped her through it.

After they got the baby cleaned up and everyone held him for a few minutes, T's Sis went home and Scrunch went to get cleaned up and to get T some food. He was gone for about 2 hours, during which I stayed and helped T... and sat with her and Gabe. I stayed at the hospital until 5am or so, I guess.

After getting about 3 hours of sleep, I went to get Lil M... and MK had made sweet rolls. We watched MK2 open her birthday presents (Jan 21) and then went home... that afternoon, we went to MK2's birthday party, which was BIG FUN!!! After that, I went to get Mary and we went back to the hospital until about 11pm... including Lil M. I got some cute pics on my phone, and will upload them as soon as I can. Lil M had wanted to hold the baby for like 3 months now, so I was VERY glad she got to do that. Scrunch's Mom helped her. :) That was very sweet.

Anyway, T said they were doing the circumcision yesterday and after a couple of hours they should have been released. Then they were going back to Scrunch's. I haven't heard anything since then, but tried to check on them this morning.

I hope that I can still be a part of T's life... but right now, I'm just happy I stuck to my guns and went to help at the hospital. At least she knows that I was there and I hope she realizes how much I do care.

Peace.

Dad impressed me

This past week has been a bit difficult with T leaving and all. Lil M keeps asking why she left. Mommy did she leave because she was mad at you? Well, yes and no. Me telling her she couldn't go to her BF's house made her mad and she lashed out... and then I responded. What I said to her wasn't untrue, but it was a bit unkind. And it upset her. And I understand that and take full responsibility for it. But she had wanted to be gone the day she got to my house a year ago. I think she lasted this long because she is pregnant and didn't feel like she had a choice.

The thing I find a bit disconcerting is how people have reacted to her leaving. Not everyone, of course, but some people have made comments about how they didn't know how I had handled the situation up to this point ... that no sane person they know would have fostered. Ouch. They didn't say it that way... they said they didn't know anyone who would do what I've done... no sane ones anway. A biting remark, for sure. Though, I do know that's not how it was intended.

But then, there are those who have been more encouraging than I would have even thought. My Dad is one of those. He called me three times yesterday (I only talked to him once), to check up on me/us. That was unexpected and very appreciated. He didn't ask about the situation or about the specifics, he just asked if I was OK. I thought that was very kind of him. It does seem like he knows how to come out of the woodwork and support me when big things are going on, and I appreciate that.

I don't know what the future holds in the way of my fostering. I am licensed and plan to give it another shot. I don't know who or what age or when. But, I do believe that when the time is right, it'll happen.

Peace.

Can't make them stay

So, my foster daughter has decided to leave. She left Saturday. It is NOT the best thing for her or for the baby... but she is 18 and is allowed. I'm waiting to hear back from my agency about a meeting she agreed to have with them later this week. Then, I'll know if she's gone for good or will be coming back.

I can't say I'm not hugely surprised, even though she said she was going to stay with me until she graduated. But I am sad and dissappointed. I was hoping to be there for the birth of Gabe. I was hoping to help her get through HS and onto college. No idea what will happen with her schooling now. But it is out of my hands.

I think my family and friends will be saddened and surprised, too, if she doesn't come back. I think I'm not the only one who's learned a lot this year, and grown to care for T. I've grown to care for her a great deal and miss her already. And I worry. It's what us Moms do.

Please pray for Lil M's understanding and for T and her situation. And for the next young person that I might foster.

Peace.

Life

Today was my last day of class for this semester. I did my presentation... not quite as well as I wanted to do it, but I got through it. Prof said I should be more confident when I speak about things I know. He's right. I was nervous for some reason... and I was talking about something I know well.

Tonight I'm trying to finish up my final exam. I have two questions completed of the 4... and the other two partly done. My goal is to get them done tonight if possible.

I was going to take a class over Christmas, but it looks like I might not do that now. I thought T would stay with me until at least May, but it seems she might not. She might leave before the baby is even born. It's not been a very good day. Hopefully, I'll have better news to share by the beginning of the week.

I'm not really motivated right now, but I must finish this exam.

Peace.

Learning

I wanted to jot down some thoughts about what I've learned while being a Foster Parent. I've been licensed for over a year now, and T has been with me almost a year. I've also provided respite care.

Not all children want to be adopted.

Foster kids think we're broken, too. They have fears about foster care, and know that they are considered outcasts. My most recent respite girl told me that when she went into FC that her parents told her that we were all evil and would hurt her. :( yikes.

The kids I've had don't fully understand my situation. Even they question adoption and why I've become a parent the way I have. Not question in a bad way, but they definitely ask questions.

Part of me thinks that T will stay with me longer than we thought... hopefully, into her first semester of college, even. I say this because someone asked her if she was 18 why didn't she leave... and she said... she doesn't have anywhere else to go. And the way she said it kind of broke my heart. I hate it for her that she hasn't had a stable home-life prior to FC. And even in FC she was with another family before me. And I understand why she might not think it all puppies and roses when she thinks of FC. It really is a double-edged sword.

All I can do is try to be the base of that sword and keep her as close to me as possible. Trying to not let her get hurt on those sharp edges if I can help it. Soften the edges, even, if possible.

My basis of understanding is different from T's. (my family might be a bit dysfunctional, but it is still full-well in tact)

Her basis of understanding is different from Lil M's. (her family is definitely dysfunctional, and she struggles to keep it)

Lil M's basis of understanding is also different, and no less complicated. (her family is me and someone she may never, ever know. she didn't get to keep it, dysfunctional or not. and then, of course, she does have our family... )

I set out to change the world... and instead, it sought out and won a change in me. (seems like there might be a famous quote similar to this thought, but it escapes me - might be "I set out to change the world, and instead it changed me".)

I don't know what it all means. But I do know that fostering is important. Adoption is important. And above all FAMILY is important. They both are good in some ways. They are both painful.

I pray that those families that can be healed before foster or adoption need to occur are able to be healed. I pray that even if they can't be healed prior to FC or adoption, that they be healed someday. I do pray for peace for all their broken hearts... there are just too many.

This is National Adoption Month. Please help our children in any way you can... mentoring, fostering, adopting are all beneficial and there is great need for children everywhere to be supported and loved.

Added... when I said I wanted to change the world, I didn't mean that quite as literally as it sounded. But I do believe that we can be the change we want to see in the world. I also know that even though others don't always understand me, nor me them... that I respect many family types and I pray that other peoples' hearts start opening up to that fact, as well. I am so blessed and at peace with where God would have me in this world. It is my heart song that we love the Lord our God, and our neighbors as ourselves.

Peace.