It isn't easy

Anyone who thinks fostering is easy... ok, wait, somehow I doubt anyone actually thinks that, right? But just in case there is, let me tell you... fostering isn't easy.

This week starts the beginning of B's weekend overnight visits with her grandparents. This is in preparation for her to go live with them at the end of May. :( I cannot say I'm not disappointed... I'm quite a bit heartbroken, actually. I guess I had hoped in the back of my mind (and not so far back) that she might get to stay with me longer. But it really doesn't seem likely now. Unless somehow the gparents mess something up between now and then. But even if that happens, the judge will give them quite a bit of leeway I guess.

Even though I know/knew this, it doesn't make it hurt less. She was never "mine", I'm just a temporary care-giver for her. But it is interesting just how fast you can grow to love a little person! It does feel like she's part of my family, but I know that's somewhat superficial. *I* believe she is, but the world says otherwise.

The thing is. Even though this is hard, I do believe that this is what I am supposed to be doing for now. Seems to be one of my "gifts" that I can share my life with a child and help them along their way, even if it is temporary. But, boy, does it suck some days. If I knew that, I don't know that I would have volunteered my heart like that... I know that sounds kind of stupid, but I guess I thought I could let them go with no pain. That I could keep it completely about their needs and not my own. But that's the funny thing, isn't it? God told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. I have needs to, and need to recognize that. The love that I give, I may/can/hope to get in return. I guess I wasn't expecting that.

I can already see and feel where the void will be when B leaves us. And it truly makes me sad. I've been praying and thinking about adopting a 2nd child for over 4 years now. I always said I wanted to adopt again so Lil M would have a sibling. But the reality that I've found is that adopting another child would be as much for Me, Lil M, and the child all together. And I'm at a place where I am liking the idea of having a 2nd for the relationship I would have with the child, too. Yes, I know, it was odd to want a 2nd for Lil M to have a sibling... we all learn in our own ways, huh?

So this may actually be the time to look into that again, apart from fostering. I'm not leaving fostering, I just need to figure out if I can actually go ahead and add to my family.

Peace.