Thursday, October 29, 2009

Still shell shocked

There are so many things I'm feeling right now. After an almost 2 year relationship with Scott, I got a 'dear john' letter in my email on Sunday night... and am still just shell shocked, to say the least.

First, let me say, I am not a perfect person. Not by a long shot. And, frankly, I think I needed him more than he needed me these past 2 years. How he stuck by me through all the crap I was going through is beyond me... but now ...when I thought I had more to give and wanted to try to figure out how/if we might have a future together... now he leaves.

I really am afraid I wasn't a very good girlfriend. I needed him. I didn't have much to give after everything else in my life... and I know that. :( And I just wanted to say that for the record, because if he ever does read my writing again... he'll at least know that. Frankly, I'm not sure he'll ever care to do that... but you never know. Also for the record... I did not take him for granted. I know how much he did for Mia and I and I was extremely grateful for that. It was time for me to return the favor, so to speak. He deserved more from me. I get that. And I'm truly sorry.

As for the other shitty part, well, it looks like he either wanted the status quo or he really just did not want to have children with me. Not only did he not want to procreate with me, but he also just pushed me into a teeny-tiny little box in the adoption realm... and I took his remarks (highly likely correctly) to be racist. And, well, I don't tolerate that. And I certainly can't have that in my own household. Absolutely not. It wasn't against Mia, thank God... but still.

And, not only can I still not get over the 'dear john' letter, but I can't believe he isn't talking to me at all. We were together for so long... and there was only a couple of times where we went this long without talking. :( I just feel sick.

I just don't get it. Why this seems to be my lot in life, I'm not sure... but some days it just sucks ass. Why can't I be that husband/wife team with the 2.4 children and the picket fence?? Isn't that the way it is "supposed" to be??? We're all supposed to leave our parents, cleave to our spouse and procreate... and live happily ever after! But for me... nope. And, don't get me wrong, I'm ETERNALLY grateful for my daughter and for my life. I am extremely blessed. But I'm also in that percentage of people (who knows how large) that is doomed to be eternally single (or perpetually dating, however you want to look at it). And some days that just f*ing sucks. I mean, really. I'm sure it is because society tells us that we're not good enough if we are single. We're not good enough if we're single parents. And, we're not good enough families because we're adoptive ones. I'm always on the shit end of what society tells us is "not as good as". Most of the time, I fight it and am perfectly fine with my life and my decisions. It is the best place for me... except not always understanding the "single" part of it all. Right now is one of those moments.

Ok, so I'm feeling sorry for myself. The reality is that my life really is amazing and wonderful. Everyone goes through crappy times... and this just happens to be one of them. I am taking stock in what I have and it does NOT matter if I'm in the minority who believes completely, wholeheartedly, without a doubt or hesitation about adoption and my choice in family building. That is what I would tell any good friend of mine, and well... I'm my own best friend or worst enemy, and today I choose to be my own best friend. :)

I am trying to work through all the emotions right now, instead of stuffing them down and pretending they are not there... 'cause I wish they weren't and I'd like nothing better than to crawl into bed and just forget all this happened...

So, there you have it. I feel guilt for how I was not the best girlfriend I could have been... and at the same time, well, he's a schmuck. And what's worse... he didn't just leave me, he left Mia, too. :( She has asked about him, and that just breaks my heart. How do you explain to a 3 year old that he's not coming back?? Ugh. And I can't just turn my love off like a faucet. :(

But I will survive and get through this.

I really have some amazing friends and family who love me and Lil M... and that means the world to me always, but even more importantly when going through things like this.

I've been staying super busy this week to try to not get too inordinately upset. Now I'm exhausted. I am really excited about Mia getting to dress up for Halloween this weekend. I know she's going to be adorable in her 'kitty princess' dress. I will post pics, of course!



onemorebaby said...

Sorry you are going through this... hang in there. (((hugs)))

Beautiful Mess said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry! It sucks, plain and simple. You ARE allowed to be upset and whine and moan about it. Just because you're giving yourself some time to get through this, doesn't mean you're not grateful for what you do have! You're an amazing woman and I am so honored to know you. Don't EVER hesitate to email me. I'm here for you, hon.

Billy said...

I'm sorry.